I am running for President. I seriously should. I couldn't possibly be any worse than what we have! And there so dirt they could dig up on me that I couldn't turn around and ask the nation if they cant relate. I've been jokingly saying I was going to run for some time now. It was mostly between me and my uncle. Today after reading the newspaper inadvertently, I have decided that maybe I should get involved in politics. I don't generally read the newspaper and watch a minuscule amount of the news. It just infuriates me to much to see how negative reporting has become. Makes me wonder if that's part of why there seems to be so much negativity going on anymore. But that's another post for another time.
This morning I read that a couple was trying to trade their baby for drugs. Children are my passion. They are our future and so reading this angered me beyond anger. When did children become a pawn in a game? But what angered me more than the parents actions was the immediate thought that that poor child will be put in foster care while the system drags out everything and some 2-3 years later, after this child has bonded with its foster parents, would be returned to its druggie parents. It will all be over some failure to file a correct document, or because the parents attended some classes, or simply because a judge feels like it that day. I use to think that no person in their right mind would give these kinds of parents their children back, but after volunteering to be a child advocate for the last 5 1/2 years I realize how flawed and retarded our system has become. I have seen a baby come into the foster home at 9 months old with broken bones and a fractured skull. I have seen this baby be loved and cared for for 3 years by foster parents that want to keep him forever. I have seen the system give the abusive parents chance after chance. After 3 years I have seen this child go back to the abusive home he came from as a broken and battered infant. I've seen babies born premature addicted to drugs and have the case worker make comments that the foster parents cant ask for him to be treated as a special needs because they will remove him and put him with fosters that wont ask that. I've seen a child get hit, slammed into a wall and told every day how stupid they are and have report after report filed with child services only to be told that the child has a roof over their head, clothes on their back and food to eat and no showing marks so that child gets to stay in a home where she is being brought up to believe she is worthless and fat and where she is being taught to manipulate people to get what she wants. I could list a dozen or more cases of the system failing children. Our current system is all about money and power and NOT about the welfare of the children.
I became a child advocate in the hopes that I could save some children from some of the things I had encountered as a child. I was young and thought I could really do some good. I was really thinking that with some help and some guidance the parents could get off drugs and would realize the wonderful thing they had in front of them. As it stands now, every case I have ever had, the parents are to damn selfish to realize the wonderful miracle that has been given to them. What happened to parents wanting better for their children? When did getting stoned or laid a better option than cuddling on the couch with your sweet child? When did it became ok for parents to take out their frustrations on their children in a violent manner. To me, these judges returning these children to these environments is just perpetuating the cycle of selfish behaviour. I understand that the judges get a short amount of time with the cases and have to rely on what they are told, but somewhere there needs to be a connection to each case.
So, I am seriously considering doing some political work to try and get a few things changed in regards to our children. Think about it...Our children will be the ones taking care of us one day. They will be the ones in the medical fields, they will be the ones serving us food at restaurants, they will be the ones teaching our children. Do we really want a nation of children that are raised thinking its ok to be selfish, its ok to do drugs, its ok to hit our children (and adults). There are so many things I want to see made better. Maybe I should run for president. I couldn't be any worse than the options we have in front of us anyway, and I think its time this country is run by a mom that clips coupons, can get her kids to their sports while still working a full time job, volunteering, and running a home. Why on earth do we continue to let men be the head of the house when we all know that its the woman that truly runs things?
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
And the walls come tumbling down...and then get built higher
Its a funny thing, trust. Some people trust to easy, some not at all. I have been told my entire life that I will only have enough true friends to count on one hand. I disagree with this statement. I have been blessed with an abundance of life long friends. We may not have always agreed, we may not have always gotten along, we may not talk every single day like we did in our teens, but I have truly beyond doubt been blessed with some of the oldest and dearest friends anyone could ask for. I wont say it's been easy to be my friend at times either. There were a couple of brushes with the law (while not always my idea, often had our parents trying to keep us apart), several fights and disagreements that come from spending every waking moment together, and various other struggles that come from being someones friend for many years.
What does this have to do with trust? In the journey of finding yourself and learning your true friends you often get a bit of your life interrupted by impostors. You know the kind. The ones that use you to make someone mad, the ones that take, take, take then leave you high and dry when you need a friend, the ones that only want to be your "friend" to tear you down, the ones that don't know how to love them self so they become "cling-ons" to anyone that shows attention then as soon as someone else give more attention, they are gone. There are various more varieties of them, but you know these people. I truly don't believe most of them realize they are bad friends, they just don't know what they are doing. Regardless, these types of friendships have a way of tearing down that wall of trust just enough that when it goes bad, you build the wall even higher the next time. Every one has had a person like this in their life at one time or another. Sometimes we learn and watch for it in the future, sometimes we keep getting sucked back in for reasons unknown. I have had a few in my life. I tend to tell myself (as well as my other friends) that I feel like there is a reason I keep getting pulled back in. Like a feeling that I am not finished. Do you know that feeling?
I like to think that every person is put into your life for a reason. For some reason, I just cant grasp that maybe just maybe these users and abusers are put in my life to teach me to quit trusting so easily. That would just be to simple right? I will be the first to tell you, I HAVE learned not to trust like I use to. But I still open my heart to people. I believe everyone single person deserves to have a friend. Every single person alive deserves to feel that human connection. That said...Just because I let someone into a section of my life, does NOT mean I trust them. over the last couple of years I have learned that more then anything. No one friend knows every single thing about me and I like it that way. I have several people I confide in, several I have fun with, several that have known me since the 3rd grade. But no one, not even my husband knows the full and real me. I do not trust nearly as much as I appear and my walls are pretty high in all honesty. But be honest with yourself, does anyone ever really know another human being completely? That's why I say that trust is a funny thing. There are a few people I would honestly trust with my life, while at the same time those same people I cant trust enough to let them in on the parts of my life I keep hidden. How funny is it that I trust these individuals to save my life if needed and a couple to even trade their lives for mine if ever it came to it, but I wont let them in to the depths of my mind, emotions and memories. Trust is a funny thing!
I often wonder if I am the only person that has this part of themselves that they keep tucked away. I sometimes feel lonely because there are parts of myself that I just don't want to share. They are dark painful memories and I don't think anyone would understand. Plus, I don't want to open myself up further to hurt, rejection, and betrayal. I trust only myself to not do that and even I fail myself in that. Again, that damn trust is a funny thing.
Regardless of the fact that I know everyone has a part of them they don't show, its important to build trust and relationships with people. And like I said, I have truly been blessed to have some of the best friends. Many of them have been there while I was finding myself and stuck around after I did. Many more are newer friends and have helped make me feel good about the person I have become. Everyone has their demons or skeletons in the closet. I have both, however I use these negative forces to try to do good for others. To open my heart and trust that deep down all anyone needs is to be accepted and have a friend is the brightest way to cast out the darkness that lingers. To my friends that trust me with their life as I trust them with mine, thanks for being there! To the ones that have hurt me, thank you for giving me a stronger foundation to build my wall upon. In all reality, those are the things that make us stronger people. My wall may crumble a little once in awhile, but its from where the few have made the attempt to climb over to the other side. I'm a damn good Friend to have. I feel I have the right ot brag about that. I would do anything for anyone that has put in the effort to be my friend as much as I have theirs...And besides that, if it turns out I am not what you need in your life, well then at least I have helped build your foundation. So do that funny little thing called trust, and let people into your lives just a bit. Letting them in some doesn't mean they need to be in all of it! Everyone needs a friend! It helps make those dark times not so dark!
What does this have to do with trust? In the journey of finding yourself and learning your true friends you often get a bit of your life interrupted by impostors. You know the kind. The ones that use you to make someone mad, the ones that take, take, take then leave you high and dry when you need a friend, the ones that only want to be your "friend" to tear you down, the ones that don't know how to love them self so they become "cling-ons" to anyone that shows attention then as soon as someone else give more attention, they are gone. There are various more varieties of them, but you know these people. I truly don't believe most of them realize they are bad friends, they just don't know what they are doing. Regardless, these types of friendships have a way of tearing down that wall of trust just enough that when it goes bad, you build the wall even higher the next time. Every one has had a person like this in their life at one time or another. Sometimes we learn and watch for it in the future, sometimes we keep getting sucked back in for reasons unknown. I have had a few in my life. I tend to tell myself (as well as my other friends) that I feel like there is a reason I keep getting pulled back in. Like a feeling that I am not finished. Do you know that feeling?
I like to think that every person is put into your life for a reason. For some reason, I just cant grasp that maybe just maybe these users and abusers are put in my life to teach me to quit trusting so easily. That would just be to simple right? I will be the first to tell you, I HAVE learned not to trust like I use to. But I still open my heart to people. I believe everyone single person deserves to have a friend. Every single person alive deserves to feel that human connection. That said...Just because I let someone into a section of my life, does NOT mean I trust them. over the last couple of years I have learned that more then anything. No one friend knows every single thing about me and I like it that way. I have several people I confide in, several I have fun with, several that have known me since the 3rd grade. But no one, not even my husband knows the full and real me. I do not trust nearly as much as I appear and my walls are pretty high in all honesty. But be honest with yourself, does anyone ever really know another human being completely? That's why I say that trust is a funny thing. There are a few people I would honestly trust with my life, while at the same time those same people I cant trust enough to let them in on the parts of my life I keep hidden. How funny is it that I trust these individuals to save my life if needed and a couple to even trade their lives for mine if ever it came to it, but I wont let them in to the depths of my mind, emotions and memories. Trust is a funny thing!
I often wonder if I am the only person that has this part of themselves that they keep tucked away. I sometimes feel lonely because there are parts of myself that I just don't want to share. They are dark painful memories and I don't think anyone would understand. Plus, I don't want to open myself up further to hurt, rejection, and betrayal. I trust only myself to not do that and even I fail myself in that. Again, that damn trust is a funny thing.
Regardless of the fact that I know everyone has a part of them they don't show, its important to build trust and relationships with people. And like I said, I have truly been blessed to have some of the best friends. Many of them have been there while I was finding myself and stuck around after I did. Many more are newer friends and have helped make me feel good about the person I have become. Everyone has their demons or skeletons in the closet. I have both, however I use these negative forces to try to do good for others. To open my heart and trust that deep down all anyone needs is to be accepted and have a friend is the brightest way to cast out the darkness that lingers. To my friends that trust me with their life as I trust them with mine, thanks for being there! To the ones that have hurt me, thank you for giving me a stronger foundation to build my wall upon. In all reality, those are the things that make us stronger people. My wall may crumble a little once in awhile, but its from where the few have made the attempt to climb over to the other side. I'm a damn good Friend to have. I feel I have the right ot brag about that. I would do anything for anyone that has put in the effort to be my friend as much as I have theirs...And besides that, if it turns out I am not what you need in your life, well then at least I have helped build your foundation. So do that funny little thing called trust, and let people into your lives just a bit. Letting them in some doesn't mean they need to be in all of it! Everyone needs a friend! It helps make those dark times not so dark!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Change is inevitable
Admittedly its been a while since I blogged. I have been incredibly busy with things in my life. I always seem to have things pop into my mind when I am no where near a computer. That being said, be prepared for a few blogs back to back. I have had so much on my mind that I really want to get out there. This particular blog is going to be about the inevitable change that accrues when you grow older.
do you ever take a look at your life and think to yourself "how did I get here?" I look at like life often as one of those "choose your own adventure" books that I loved so much as an adolescent. If I had made this decision instead of this one where would I be now. The difference between those books and real life is that you cant go back and rechoose and go a different path. Maybe that's why I loved those books so much. It gave me the option to have a new ending if I didn't like what happened to the lead character. oh wouldn't it be so much easier to go back to where you think you made a wrong choice and start again from there? But then, what would those effects have on the present day? Would it exist at all?
I am not saying for a minute that I am unhappy with my life so you can scratch those thoughts out right now. What I am saying is that every single one of us has that occasional "what if I had done this instead" thought. Your lying to yourself if you say you haven't. its part of human nature to wonder if you made the right choice occasionally. With me this has been at the forefront of my mind lately. I have made strides to go back to college to finish. It is the one regret I have with my life that I want to get rid of. I don't like having regrets and I try very hard not to, however through various circumstances I ended up dropping out of school and soon after had my wonderful son. I have regretted not finishing since he was around a year old. Its amazing how a child can put your life into perspective. After all, how was I going to tell this beautiful child of mine to finish what he starts when I myself had not finished what I had started. So for several years I would feel I was at a place where I could go back and not have factors hold me back, and every time I decided I was going to do it and made all the calls, something would happen (I got engaged and so planning a wedding at the time took top priority, I got pregnant...twice, family members needed my help with various things). 2 years ago I had enrolled and had a start date, a week before I was to start I found out I was pregnant for the 3rd time. I was devastated. More than devastated really. I was finally doing something for me and once again I got knocked back. How could this be happening to me again? Would I ever get to fulfill that nagging part of me? What did I do to deserve this? Was I being to selfish and that's why going to college was out of my reach again? I had so many questions that no one could answer. All I wanted was to do one thing for myself. I was angry and sad and confused. Then we had some health scares and I kind of pushed away the selfish thoughts of "what about me?"
I spent the year after my daughter was born taking her back and forth to the children's hospital nearly 2 hours away. Her issue was mild and in comparison to some of the other children that were there I felt as though maybe we were wasting the Dr.s precious time when he could be treating someone more severe than my child's aspirations of food. I tried to tell myself that because I couldn't see my child's problem, then it wasn't really that big of a deal. It was and I know that it was and even though we have been cleared by all of her Dr's, I still wake in the middle of the night to make sure she hasn't aspirated in her sleep. But even during these trips to the hospital I would sometimes wonder, when will I get to do me again? When am I going to get to go to school or do something purely for myself again? Selfish thoughts at the time.
My daughter was cleared from her final Dr and I thought, "NOW! Now its time!" I have once again taken the steps to go back to school. I've declared my major, spoken to the wonderful lady that will be my advisor, filed for Government assistance and now set before me once again is a life altering change.
My husband and I have stayed in the tiny home we currently have because we are the last of the grandchildren to buy a home and we would like nothing more than to keep his grandfather's house in the family. So we have stayed where we are preparing for that inevitable time and transition into his home. My husbands grandfather is not in the best health and recently I had vocalized to my husband as well as his mother that I fear he is getting worse in a hurry. This seems to have prompted my husband to fix the things in his grandpa's house in a hurry so that his grandpa can approve them before he is no longer living in the home. It's amazing how the thought of losing a loved one can trigger thoughts about changes. I have made the decision that I am not withdrawing from school this time. I have enough friends and family that I feel confident that I will be able to transition into these changes and still be able to finally be a little selfish. but its made me realize that change is inevitable.
I still love my husband very much, but when I look back through the 11 years we have been together I realize we have changed. Mostly we have changed together, but over all we are not the 20somethings we were when we met. We have children now and that alone caused us to grow up. We have jobs that depend on us to be there, we have grown older and more mature and responsible. But that's not a bad thing. Sometimes its hard to realize that the changes aren't bad. Just because we don't stay out all night, or do the crazy things we use to doesn't mean we love each other any less. Its hard for me sometimes to deal with the fact that we have been together 11 years and the things we did to woo each other so many years ago just don't happen anymore. I often don't see the romance in anything anymore until the moment has passed. And like every time I have pushed school aside to deal with whatever life change has come my way, I sometimes dwell on the negative instead of seeing that by not doing school when I wanted to I got to enjoy my children during the very first year, I got to spend time with people that are no longer here, I got to marry the man I love, and so much more. I made my choices and really I wouldn't go back to see if I could find a different ending like in those books. I'm pretty happy with where the story is leading me right now. I am making conscience efforts to not see the negative effects of change. It's hard, so hard, especially when I don't want the change. But change is inevitable and if you don't go with it, you may miss out on the best parts of the story!
do you ever take a look at your life and think to yourself "how did I get here?" I look at like life often as one of those "choose your own adventure" books that I loved so much as an adolescent. If I had made this decision instead of this one where would I be now. The difference between those books and real life is that you cant go back and rechoose and go a different path. Maybe that's why I loved those books so much. It gave me the option to have a new ending if I didn't like what happened to the lead character. oh wouldn't it be so much easier to go back to where you think you made a wrong choice and start again from there? But then, what would those effects have on the present day? Would it exist at all?
I am not saying for a minute that I am unhappy with my life so you can scratch those thoughts out right now. What I am saying is that every single one of us has that occasional "what if I had done this instead" thought. Your lying to yourself if you say you haven't. its part of human nature to wonder if you made the right choice occasionally. With me this has been at the forefront of my mind lately. I have made strides to go back to college to finish. It is the one regret I have with my life that I want to get rid of. I don't like having regrets and I try very hard not to, however through various circumstances I ended up dropping out of school and soon after had my wonderful son. I have regretted not finishing since he was around a year old. Its amazing how a child can put your life into perspective. After all, how was I going to tell this beautiful child of mine to finish what he starts when I myself had not finished what I had started. So for several years I would feel I was at a place where I could go back and not have factors hold me back, and every time I decided I was going to do it and made all the calls, something would happen (I got engaged and so planning a wedding at the time took top priority, I got pregnant...twice, family members needed my help with various things). 2 years ago I had enrolled and had a start date, a week before I was to start I found out I was pregnant for the 3rd time. I was devastated. More than devastated really. I was finally doing something for me and once again I got knocked back. How could this be happening to me again? Would I ever get to fulfill that nagging part of me? What did I do to deserve this? Was I being to selfish and that's why going to college was out of my reach again? I had so many questions that no one could answer. All I wanted was to do one thing for myself. I was angry and sad and confused. Then we had some health scares and I kind of pushed away the selfish thoughts of "what about me?"
I spent the year after my daughter was born taking her back and forth to the children's hospital nearly 2 hours away. Her issue was mild and in comparison to some of the other children that were there I felt as though maybe we were wasting the Dr.s precious time when he could be treating someone more severe than my child's aspirations of food. I tried to tell myself that because I couldn't see my child's problem, then it wasn't really that big of a deal. It was and I know that it was and even though we have been cleared by all of her Dr's, I still wake in the middle of the night to make sure she hasn't aspirated in her sleep. But even during these trips to the hospital I would sometimes wonder, when will I get to do me again? When am I going to get to go to school or do something purely for myself again? Selfish thoughts at the time.
My daughter was cleared from her final Dr and I thought, "NOW! Now its time!" I have once again taken the steps to go back to school. I've declared my major, spoken to the wonderful lady that will be my advisor, filed for Government assistance and now set before me once again is a life altering change.
My husband and I have stayed in the tiny home we currently have because we are the last of the grandchildren to buy a home and we would like nothing more than to keep his grandfather's house in the family. So we have stayed where we are preparing for that inevitable time and transition into his home. My husbands grandfather is not in the best health and recently I had vocalized to my husband as well as his mother that I fear he is getting worse in a hurry. This seems to have prompted my husband to fix the things in his grandpa's house in a hurry so that his grandpa can approve them before he is no longer living in the home. It's amazing how the thought of losing a loved one can trigger thoughts about changes. I have made the decision that I am not withdrawing from school this time. I have enough friends and family that I feel confident that I will be able to transition into these changes and still be able to finally be a little selfish. but its made me realize that change is inevitable.
I still love my husband very much, but when I look back through the 11 years we have been together I realize we have changed. Mostly we have changed together, but over all we are not the 20somethings we were when we met. We have children now and that alone caused us to grow up. We have jobs that depend on us to be there, we have grown older and more mature and responsible. But that's not a bad thing. Sometimes its hard to realize that the changes aren't bad. Just because we don't stay out all night, or do the crazy things we use to doesn't mean we love each other any less. Its hard for me sometimes to deal with the fact that we have been together 11 years and the things we did to woo each other so many years ago just don't happen anymore. I often don't see the romance in anything anymore until the moment has passed. And like every time I have pushed school aside to deal with whatever life change has come my way, I sometimes dwell on the negative instead of seeing that by not doing school when I wanted to I got to enjoy my children during the very first year, I got to spend time with people that are no longer here, I got to marry the man I love, and so much more. I made my choices and really I wouldn't go back to see if I could find a different ending like in those books. I'm pretty happy with where the story is leading me right now. I am making conscience efforts to not see the negative effects of change. It's hard, so hard, especially when I don't want the change. But change is inevitable and if you don't go with it, you may miss out on the best parts of the story!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Grey skies are gonna clear up
I have come to realize over the last week that I have some pretty wonderful people in my life. They may not be there every single day, but when they are there they are wonderful! I had the joy of having a boisterous lunch with an old friend last week. My children joined us for lunch and were a bit on the hyper side, but it was a nice lunch just the same. They next day, a person whom I still consider a friend despite some disagreements lately joined me for lunch where we talked about our disagreement and I am feeling hopeful that we can resume a friendship albeit not like it was. And then the weekend was sprinkled heavily with friends new and old asking to spend time with me. It was a week that reminded me that even though sometimes I get down, that there are still people who want and need me.
It was pointed out to me by a couple people last week that I am a unique person. I myself don't see me that way, but it's nice to hear that people have chosen to be my friend because I am trusted and understanding and "different from everyone else". I just mostly want everyone to get along and agree to disagree when needed. I don't see a point in judging people because you don't know what they have or are going through. I have my views on things, but I think its would be conceded of me to think that my views are the only truth. I am open to the idea that I might be wrong about religion, life, health etc, but it doesn't keep me from having my views on them. I love willingly and passionately but will not say "I love you" unless I mean it and I know that the feeling will be returned because those three words can lift you up or break your heart and so I am very careful when using them. I believe that EVERY SINGLE person deserves to be treated with respect and to not be criticized for what they choose to believe. I smile at everyone. A simple smile can change a persons whole day. I am never intentionally mean to anyone (although I will admit there are times I have wanted to be) but I don't like to be treated mean and so I don't do it! I try to be the bigger person and forgive easily (although I never forget) I like to believe that everyone can do and be good, but not everyone knows how and so I like to try and show through my life and actions that when you do good, good things happen. There are the occasional bumps in the road that make me have to work harder to get back to good, but those are there to remind me how good the good times and things are.
I had a friend tell me once from the depths of his depression that "things aren't always sunshine and rainbows" No they aren't I agree. But without the storms you wouldn't have the sunshine and rainbows. At the time he told me that, it kind of got me down some. I didn't want to annoy my friend, but I didn't want him to be down anymore either. But his comment for some reason kinda knocked me back some. Probably didn't help that a day or two before he asked why I never cry in front of him. I try not to cry in front of anyone unless you are very close to me. It's really a silly reason why. Its not that I like to show I am strong and not cry, simple put, I know I look very comical when I cry. My face twists itself up and turns bright red. I am sensitive and I don't cry in front of people because I don't want to be made fun of. So his 2 comments really made me think that maybe I come off as "fake" to some people. Its been about a year since those comments but I still remember them very well. I often wonder if it wasn't the start of my latest depression. But I have since reevaluated those statements and realize that smiles and sunshine and rainbows are just me. I like to see the positive in things. I am a wonderful person and so are you! If everyone would realize how wonderful they truly are and quit judging everyone then the world would be a better place. There is no reason to belittle others to feel better about themselves. TV and movies and magazines make me so made by telling people they need to be thinner and blond or brunette or a certain height. We are all just the way we are suppose to be!
The same friend that made those comments to me recently had a conversation with me about relationships. His girlfriend is not a nice person. She judges everyone and is insecure with herself and it bothers me. I have tried to befriend her as well, but she snubs me. During our conversation it was brought up that she is threatened by me. She shouldn't be and if she would take the time to get to know me she would know that. I told him that was sad but that she needs to love herself before she can love anyone else. He said that I am insecure too. I responded with "nope I'm fabulous. I love me!" Took me a while to love myself, but I do. I am a wonderful and good person. However, I don't flaunt that, I am not cocky about it, I am just happy with me. That's all I can be. I worked hard to be happy with my faults and strengths. I don't like things to go unsettled. If there is something wrong I want to fix it so it doesn't happen again. I want everyone to be friends and I want everyone to get along. These are faults as well as strength I know. And while I may be happy with myself and who I am, there are occasions where my situation at the time gets me down. It doesn't mean I am getting down on myself, just what is going on. I love myself and I want everyone to. We are all wonderful and unique people. I love that I have so many people in my life that love me for me as well.
It was pointed out to me by a couple people last week that I am a unique person. I myself don't see me that way, but it's nice to hear that people have chosen to be my friend because I am trusted and understanding and "different from everyone else". I just mostly want everyone to get along and agree to disagree when needed. I don't see a point in judging people because you don't know what they have or are going through. I have my views on things, but I think its would be conceded of me to think that my views are the only truth. I am open to the idea that I might be wrong about religion, life, health etc, but it doesn't keep me from having my views on them. I love willingly and passionately but will not say "I love you" unless I mean it and I know that the feeling will be returned because those three words can lift you up or break your heart and so I am very careful when using them. I believe that EVERY SINGLE person deserves to be treated with respect and to not be criticized for what they choose to believe. I smile at everyone. A simple smile can change a persons whole day. I am never intentionally mean to anyone (although I will admit there are times I have wanted to be) but I don't like to be treated mean and so I don't do it! I try to be the bigger person and forgive easily (although I never forget) I like to believe that everyone can do and be good, but not everyone knows how and so I like to try and show through my life and actions that when you do good, good things happen. There are the occasional bumps in the road that make me have to work harder to get back to good, but those are there to remind me how good the good times and things are.
I had a friend tell me once from the depths of his depression that "things aren't always sunshine and rainbows" No they aren't I agree. But without the storms you wouldn't have the sunshine and rainbows. At the time he told me that, it kind of got me down some. I didn't want to annoy my friend, but I didn't want him to be down anymore either. But his comment for some reason kinda knocked me back some. Probably didn't help that a day or two before he asked why I never cry in front of him. I try not to cry in front of anyone unless you are very close to me. It's really a silly reason why. Its not that I like to show I am strong and not cry, simple put, I know I look very comical when I cry. My face twists itself up and turns bright red. I am sensitive and I don't cry in front of people because I don't want to be made fun of. So his 2 comments really made me think that maybe I come off as "fake" to some people. Its been about a year since those comments but I still remember them very well. I often wonder if it wasn't the start of my latest depression. But I have since reevaluated those statements and realize that smiles and sunshine and rainbows are just me. I like to see the positive in things. I am a wonderful person and so are you! If everyone would realize how wonderful they truly are and quit judging everyone then the world would be a better place. There is no reason to belittle others to feel better about themselves. TV and movies and magazines make me so made by telling people they need to be thinner and blond or brunette or a certain height. We are all just the way we are suppose to be!
The same friend that made those comments to me recently had a conversation with me about relationships. His girlfriend is not a nice person. She judges everyone and is insecure with herself and it bothers me. I have tried to befriend her as well, but she snubs me. During our conversation it was brought up that she is threatened by me. She shouldn't be and if she would take the time to get to know me she would know that. I told him that was sad but that she needs to love herself before she can love anyone else. He said that I am insecure too. I responded with "nope I'm fabulous. I love me!" Took me a while to love myself, but I do. I am a wonderful and good person. However, I don't flaunt that, I am not cocky about it, I am just happy with me. That's all I can be. I worked hard to be happy with my faults and strengths. I don't like things to go unsettled. If there is something wrong I want to fix it so it doesn't happen again. I want everyone to be friends and I want everyone to get along. These are faults as well as strength I know. And while I may be happy with myself and who I am, there are occasions where my situation at the time gets me down. It doesn't mean I am getting down on myself, just what is going on. I love myself and I want everyone to. We are all wonderful and unique people. I love that I have so many people in my life that love me for me as well.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Love is uncondtional
Over the last few weeks I have struggled with the thought that maybe I do not love the way I should. There is no doubt that I care for people in my life but do I really really love them the way that I should. Books and movies make love seem so dramatic and grand, but in real life is it really like that? Or is love more of something you show with your day to day actions without really feeling the grandeur of the whole thing until its not there?
Growing up I struggled with wondering what I had done to make my parents not love me like they should. I tried everyday to feel that love I was missing. I was lucky enough to have made a few life long friends early in my life that have given me love and friendship without measure through out my life. But its still not the same love a parent is suppose to have for their children. I have spent my whole life trying to fill my life with people that care for me and that I care for in return. I have many friends and acquaintances that I would gladly be there for in an instant. But when they are not there for me when I need it most it hurts. I very rarely ask for help or let it be known that I am struggling with anything. I have a VERY select few that know the intimate details of my mind and feelings. I often put on a brave front and pretend everything will be fine. Over the last year this front has started to crumble. Its been a very difficult year for me and that I am not afraid to share. But I will say this much. It has made me realize one thing about a parents love. A parents love is unlike any other. It is not a grand gesture but instead a million tiny ones given each and everyday punctuated by larger gestures at monumental times in the child's life. A parents love is hundreds of trips to a children's hospital just to be told things are fine, a parents love is waking up at 2am to clean puke off the floor because your child didn't quite make it to the bathroom, a parents love is making sure their socks match and that they change their underwear daily. All these things show our children daily that we love them even though they may think we are annoying them. I know I love my children I KNOW I do. so why have I been questioning whether or not I am doing it right?
Its not just the love for my children I have been questioning. Its love in general. I know I love my husband and for the most part we get along great. But we don't have some big epic love story that will make eyes water and hearts soar. So are we doing it wrong? And my friends. I love each of them, but do I try to hard to make them love me in return? I have been asking these questions to myself and to a couple of select others and I have come to this conclusion...There is no wrong or right way to love someone. As it was pointed out to me, I have a big heart and I mean well and I love the way I know how. They may not make a movie about me anytime soon, but I love with my whole heart and am passionate with everything I do. It hurts horribly when the love, affection and adoration are not returned and because of my feelings growing up, rejection sends me into a depression and thoughts such as these, but I try very hard everyday to be nice to everyone I meet and to let everyone in my life know that I love them and am always here for them. You never know when that kindness to someone could make their day or even save their life. you never know if they are battling something unseen that they need that feeling of being needed and wanted. These are feelings I struggle with often. I know why my parents didn't raise me and instead opted for my grandparents to raise me and their reasons are valid and justified, but it doesn't mean I still don't feel the hurt from it. That is something very personal that I haven't shared with many. Its time that I did. I am who I am because of the things that have happened in my life. I cant go back and change them but I can learn from them and try not to make the same mistakes for myself, my children and those around me. I try to remain a positive person, but I do tend to over analyze things and sometimes these things bring me down. I have been fighting a pretty deep depression over the last year. I have been very overwhelmed and I really just want to get back to being me. I know I use to be happy and I should be happy since the birth of my beautiful little girl. Her smile makes me happy, as do my boys laughs. But somethings just keep reminding me to much of things from my past that have hurt me and continue to hurt me at unexpected moments. I will be happy again one day, I have no doubt in that. And I know I will because I have surrounded myself with people that I love and that love me too. I know its part of life to be hurt and rejected and to have these feelings come back at weird times, but as long as we have these people in our lives, it will get better!
Growing up I struggled with wondering what I had done to make my parents not love me like they should. I tried everyday to feel that love I was missing. I was lucky enough to have made a few life long friends early in my life that have given me love and friendship without measure through out my life. But its still not the same love a parent is suppose to have for their children. I have spent my whole life trying to fill my life with people that care for me and that I care for in return. I have many friends and acquaintances that I would gladly be there for in an instant. But when they are not there for me when I need it most it hurts. I very rarely ask for help or let it be known that I am struggling with anything. I have a VERY select few that know the intimate details of my mind and feelings. I often put on a brave front and pretend everything will be fine. Over the last year this front has started to crumble. Its been a very difficult year for me and that I am not afraid to share. But I will say this much. It has made me realize one thing about a parents love. A parents love is unlike any other. It is not a grand gesture but instead a million tiny ones given each and everyday punctuated by larger gestures at monumental times in the child's life. A parents love is hundreds of trips to a children's hospital just to be told things are fine, a parents love is waking up at 2am to clean puke off the floor because your child didn't quite make it to the bathroom, a parents love is making sure their socks match and that they change their underwear daily. All these things show our children daily that we love them even though they may think we are annoying them. I know I love my children I KNOW I do. so why have I been questioning whether or not I am doing it right?
Its not just the love for my children I have been questioning. Its love in general. I know I love my husband and for the most part we get along great. But we don't have some big epic love story that will make eyes water and hearts soar. So are we doing it wrong? And my friends. I love each of them, but do I try to hard to make them love me in return? I have been asking these questions to myself and to a couple of select others and I have come to this conclusion...There is no wrong or right way to love someone. As it was pointed out to me, I have a big heart and I mean well and I love the way I know how. They may not make a movie about me anytime soon, but I love with my whole heart and am passionate with everything I do. It hurts horribly when the love, affection and adoration are not returned and because of my feelings growing up, rejection sends me into a depression and thoughts such as these, but I try very hard everyday to be nice to everyone I meet and to let everyone in my life know that I love them and am always here for them. You never know when that kindness to someone could make their day or even save their life. you never know if they are battling something unseen that they need that feeling of being needed and wanted. These are feelings I struggle with often. I know why my parents didn't raise me and instead opted for my grandparents to raise me and their reasons are valid and justified, but it doesn't mean I still don't feel the hurt from it. That is something very personal that I haven't shared with many. Its time that I did. I am who I am because of the things that have happened in my life. I cant go back and change them but I can learn from them and try not to make the same mistakes for myself, my children and those around me. I try to remain a positive person, but I do tend to over analyze things and sometimes these things bring me down. I have been fighting a pretty deep depression over the last year. I have been very overwhelmed and I really just want to get back to being me. I know I use to be happy and I should be happy since the birth of my beautiful little girl. Her smile makes me happy, as do my boys laughs. But somethings just keep reminding me to much of things from my past that have hurt me and continue to hurt me at unexpected moments. I will be happy again one day, I have no doubt in that. And I know I will because I have surrounded myself with people that I love and that love me too. I know its part of life to be hurt and rejected and to have these feelings come back at weird times, but as long as we have these people in our lives, it will get better!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Hippies and Healthcare
Does America need some better health care? This has been a debate going back and forth between Dems and Reps for years. I don't claim to be hard core dedicated to any side, but let me tell speak from the mind of someone facing surgery in 10 hours. I have been having some minor yet uncomfortable health issues since August. It seems to be one thing after another, Scar Tissue removed, MRSA, Cysts removed, and now a gall bladder removal. Last year I paid over $10,000 in medical bills for just me. That's not including my insurance premium, any of mine or my children's medications, the various trips to Riley, or specialty items for my children's health. I see a light at the end of my tunnel for this round but who knows where its going to go from there! Do we need some form of National Health Care? You bet your ass we do! I very easily spent my entire years pay on medical related expenses within the last year. I understand Drs and Nurses and hospital staff need to be paid for their skill and talent, but surely something can be figured out to save us from having to go bankrupt to get healthy. Its no wonder costs get so high. People wait until they are on deaths door before they go to a dr and by that point lots of tests and procedures are usually performed and often extensive treatments follow. If we could even have some sort of free preventative care I think it would help tremendously. An oz of prevention is better than a pound of cure. If we could stop things when they are small, it would save lives and money! We wouldn't have to pay the extensive bills of fighting something that was beyond the first treatable stages. That's just my ranting and raving soapbox style...mostly because I am facing a surgery that I am sure is going to cost me another few $1,000 again this year...sigh oh well, tax deduction I guess.
That is kind of a segway into my other topic. I think that along with everyone being able to get health care, I think everyone should love one another and get along. It has come to my attention that my thoughts and ideas seem to be like those of the Hippies of the 60's minus the free sex part. I really believe in the deepest core of my being that everyone should love and be shown love from everyone else. While this thought of a great utopia is admittedly unrealistic, I can still hope and try everything in my power to make my small little world a little happier and let everyone I come in contact with feel that they are wanted and loved. The downfall to this way of thinking is that it leaves your heart open to being hurt. Not everyone is open to this idea and sometimes people think there are ulterior motives as to why someone would show someone else affection or concern even if they didn't know each other very well. With me, the only ulterior motive I have is that I just want everyone to get along. But mostly I want everyone to know that no matter how bad it seems, how alone they think they are, or how hated they may feel, someone wants them in their life, someone loves them, and someone is there to help them make it better...Even if it is someone they just met, someone they have known for a few years or someone they have known their whole life. Everyone deserves that feeling of belonging and love. Call me an old hippie, but what is wrong with loving everyone and wanting everyone to be friends? I don't think its wrong at all. I think more people could benefit from thinking this way!
If we could pay our bills with thank yous and love and affection, we would be a richer nation! Call me a hippie, I don't mind! Love is always free and everyone could always use more of it!
That is kind of a segway into my other topic. I think that along with everyone being able to get health care, I think everyone should love one another and get along. It has come to my attention that my thoughts and ideas seem to be like those of the Hippies of the 60's minus the free sex part. I really believe in the deepest core of my being that everyone should love and be shown love from everyone else. While this thought of a great utopia is admittedly unrealistic, I can still hope and try everything in my power to make my small little world a little happier and let everyone I come in contact with feel that they are wanted and loved. The downfall to this way of thinking is that it leaves your heart open to being hurt. Not everyone is open to this idea and sometimes people think there are ulterior motives as to why someone would show someone else affection or concern even if they didn't know each other very well. With me, the only ulterior motive I have is that I just want everyone to get along. But mostly I want everyone to know that no matter how bad it seems, how alone they think they are, or how hated they may feel, someone wants them in their life, someone loves them, and someone is there to help them make it better...Even if it is someone they just met, someone they have known for a few years or someone they have known their whole life. Everyone deserves that feeling of belonging and love. Call me an old hippie, but what is wrong with loving everyone and wanting everyone to be friends? I don't think its wrong at all. I think more people could benefit from thinking this way!
If we could pay our bills with thank yous and love and affection, we would be a richer nation! Call me a hippie, I don't mind! Love is always free and everyone could always use more of it!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Irrationally Rational
A while back, on a trip home from the ER, a friend of mine and I were talking about fears and how some people have fears that seem irrational. I have thought about this for a couple weeks. Last night, while I was considering another trip to the ER with my daughter my irrational fear came to light. I have always kind of known about my fear, but last night I really realized how big a fear it is. And I can not for the life of me figure out why or where this fear came from. Since the birth of my oldest son I have always worried that they would die in their sleep. Since his birth I haven't slept a full 8 hours. It has gotten progressively less since the births of my following 2 children. I always worried that I would have a child that would be born with difficulties and that I wouldn't be able to do handle it. My daughter was born and she has some mild difficulties. I have stressed myself enough that in my eyes its a huge deal. I just want to protect her and keep her safe, but her mild condition causes her to gasp and aspirate. So you guessed it! This has amped up my fear that she will die while I sleep. I really don't get much sleep. I wake every couple of hours just to check on my children. Part of my fear is made worse by the fact that I am friends with a good majorityof the volunteer firefighters in my area. I fear that something like SIDS will happen to one of my children and the ones to respond will be my friends and I don't want them to have to live with that as well. Completely irrational fears I know, but I fear it just the same. This has to be my biggest fear. I do not believe that I would be capable of pulling myself out of a depression from the loss of a child. My children are my world and I am SOOO worried they will be gone in a flash.
I also have 2 other completely irrational fears and they are with my children as well. I fear they will be kidnapped. All summer long when they play outside I have to force myself to allow them to play outside. If they play with neighbor kids, I watch them walk all the way there and have the other parents call me when they head home so I can watch for them to come home. I know that this is just good parenting, but sometimes I take it to extremes and will get in the car and drive around just to make sure they are still playing at the neighbors...Stalker Mom! That should be my new title! lol
My finally irrational fear is that I will die in a car accident and never get to see my kids graduate high school. Yes, just specifically high school. Don't ask me why! I have no idea. Yes I would like to see them got to college and marry and have kids, but specifically I am scared of intersections because I fear I will die when they are young and I will never get to see them graduate and they will never know how proud I am of them. This fear isn't completely irrational. This one stems from a friend of mine that lost his mother to cancer when he was around 7 or 8 years old. His father never remarried and boy oh boy can you tell there was a lack of mother in his life! God love him, but sometimes he is his fathers child. Anyway, we have had several discussions on things he missed out on not having a mother and so my fear of death before my children get out of school stems from these talks. I hope every day that my children know I love them and that I am proud of them. From the very first time they looked at me with those goo covered eyes, I knew I would do anything to keep them safe and let them know they are loved. So yea, I have some irrational fears of loss and demise, but I love my kids so to me, these fears are rationalized by my love for them.
I do have one other fear, and I am pretty sure its one that every single person alive has. It is the fear of rejection. There have been some times in my life when I have felt unwanted and abandoned. This is not the best feeling in the world. Especially when its someone you love. Feeling unwanted is the worst feeling in the world. I hate the shady tactics that some people use to hurt people...ignoring them, lying to them, talking behind their backs. The first two are the two that bother me the most. I spent a good portion of my life being lied to or having promises made and then broken or ignored. Being lied to or ignored breaks my heart to pieces. Being honest with me is the best course of action with me. It may sting for awhile, but it sure beats the weeks or months of wondering what I did that made them feel they needed to lie to me. I know deep down that normally its someone trying to spare feelings or not let out something, but I see no point in lies. They do nothing but hurt people. and ignoring me...how is that NOT gonna hurt? if you make me a promise, be it a solid "I promise" or an implied promise, please don't break it. My fears of rejection run pretty deep. I tend to trust easily, but very rarely do I let people in to deep. There are alot of things I keep inside. This is because I don't want to be rejected for being who I am...because it has happened a time or two or ten.
Well, now I have bared my soul and let you in on my perfectly irrational rationalization of my fears. I fight these fears almost daily. I love my kids, that's not a bad thing. I want nothing but the best for them and I don't ever want to lose them. so even if my fears seem irrational, deep down they are rational to me. Everyone that has fears has a reason for them deep down. I think me fearing the loss of my children stems from my fear of rejection...they are connected in my thoughts, cant quite connect on how they are connected in words, but basically in a nutshell: rejection=failure=loss.
These fears also push me to try to be nice to everyone. you don't know what kind of inner war they may be fighting. rejection is a powerful thing! everyone needs to feel wanted and loved. Its important to teach our children this and to spread it to everyone we meet. I have had people ask why i am friends with certain people. This is why. EVERYONE deserves to feel needed, wanted and loved. the world would be a better place if we embraced our fears and loved one another!
I also have 2 other completely irrational fears and they are with my children as well. I fear they will be kidnapped. All summer long when they play outside I have to force myself to allow them to play outside. If they play with neighbor kids, I watch them walk all the way there and have the other parents call me when they head home so I can watch for them to come home. I know that this is just good parenting, but sometimes I take it to extremes and will get in the car and drive around just to make sure they are still playing at the neighbors...Stalker Mom! That should be my new title! lol
My finally irrational fear is that I will die in a car accident and never get to see my kids graduate high school. Yes, just specifically high school. Don't ask me why! I have no idea. Yes I would like to see them got to college and marry and have kids, but specifically I am scared of intersections because I fear I will die when they are young and I will never get to see them graduate and they will never know how proud I am of them. This fear isn't completely irrational. This one stems from a friend of mine that lost his mother to cancer when he was around 7 or 8 years old. His father never remarried and boy oh boy can you tell there was a lack of mother in his life! God love him, but sometimes he is his fathers child. Anyway, we have had several discussions on things he missed out on not having a mother and so my fear of death before my children get out of school stems from these talks. I hope every day that my children know I love them and that I am proud of them. From the very first time they looked at me with those goo covered eyes, I knew I would do anything to keep them safe and let them know they are loved. So yea, I have some irrational fears of loss and demise, but I love my kids so to me, these fears are rationalized by my love for them.
I do have one other fear, and I am pretty sure its one that every single person alive has. It is the fear of rejection. There have been some times in my life when I have felt unwanted and abandoned. This is not the best feeling in the world. Especially when its someone you love. Feeling unwanted is the worst feeling in the world. I hate the shady tactics that some people use to hurt people...ignoring them, lying to them, talking behind their backs. The first two are the two that bother me the most. I spent a good portion of my life being lied to or having promises made and then broken or ignored. Being lied to or ignored breaks my heart to pieces. Being honest with me is the best course of action with me. It may sting for awhile, but it sure beats the weeks or months of wondering what I did that made them feel they needed to lie to me. I know deep down that normally its someone trying to spare feelings or not let out something, but I see no point in lies. They do nothing but hurt people. and ignoring me...how is that NOT gonna hurt? if you make me a promise, be it a solid "I promise" or an implied promise, please don't break it. My fears of rejection run pretty deep. I tend to trust easily, but very rarely do I let people in to deep. There are alot of things I keep inside. This is because I don't want to be rejected for being who I am...because it has happened a time or two or ten.
Well, now I have bared my soul and let you in on my perfectly irrational rationalization of my fears. I fight these fears almost daily. I love my kids, that's not a bad thing. I want nothing but the best for them and I don't ever want to lose them. so even if my fears seem irrational, deep down they are rational to me. Everyone that has fears has a reason for them deep down. I think me fearing the loss of my children stems from my fear of rejection...they are connected in my thoughts, cant quite connect on how they are connected in words, but basically in a nutshell: rejection=failure=loss.
These fears also push me to try to be nice to everyone. you don't know what kind of inner war they may be fighting. rejection is a powerful thing! everyone needs to feel wanted and loved. Its important to teach our children this and to spread it to everyone we meet. I have had people ask why i am friends with certain people. This is why. EVERYONE deserves to feel needed, wanted and loved. the world would be a better place if we embraced our fears and loved one another!
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