Grey skies are gonna clear up

I have come to realize over the last week that I have some pretty wonderful people in my life. They may not be there every single day, but when they are there they are wonderful! I had the joy of having a boisterous lunch with an old friend last week. My children joined us for lunch and were a bit on the hyper side, but it was a nice lunch just the same. They next day, a person whom I still consider a friend despite some disagreements lately joined me for lunch where we talked about our disagreement and I am feeling hopeful that we can resume a friendship albeit not like it was. And then the weekend was sprinkled heavily with friends new and old asking to spend time with me. It was a week that reminded me that even though sometimes I get down, that there are still people who want and need me.

It was pointed out to me by a couple people last week that I am a unique person. I myself don't see me that way, but it's nice to hear that people have chosen to be my friend because I am trusted and understanding and "different from everyone else". I just mostly want everyone to get along and agree to disagree when needed. I don't see a point in judging people because you don't know what they have or are going through. I have my views on things, but I think its would be conceded of me to think that my views are the only truth. I am open to the idea that I might be wrong about religion, life, health etc, but it doesn't keep me from having my views on them. I love willingly and passionately but will not say "I love you" unless I mean it and I know that the feeling will be returned because those three words can lift you up or break your heart and so I am very careful when using them. I believe that EVERY SINGLE person deserves to be treated with respect and to not be criticized for what they choose to believe. I smile at everyone. A simple smile can change a persons whole day. I am never intentionally mean to anyone (although I will admit there are times I have wanted to be) but I don't like to be treated mean and so I don't do it! I try to be the bigger person and forgive easily (although I never forget) I like to believe that everyone can do and be good, but not everyone knows how and so I like to try and show through my life and actions that when you do good, good things happen. There are the occasional bumps in the road that make me have to work harder to get back to good, but those are there to remind me how good the good times and things are. 

I had a friend tell me once from the depths of his depression that "things aren't always sunshine and rainbows" No they aren't I agree. But without the storms you wouldn't have the sunshine and rainbows. At the time he told me that, it kind of got me down some. I didn't want to annoy my friend, but I didn't want him to be down anymore either. But his comment for some reason kinda knocked me back some. Probably didn't help that a day or two before he asked why I never cry in front of him. I try not to cry in front of anyone unless you are very close to me. It's really a silly reason why. Its not that I like to show I am strong and not cry, simple put, I know I look very comical when I cry. My face twists itself up and turns bright red. I am sensitive and I don't cry in front of people because I don't want to be made fun of. So his 2 comments really made me think that maybe I come off as "fake" to some people. Its been about a year since those comments but I still remember them very well. I often wonder if it wasn't the start of my latest depression. But I have since reevaluated those statements and realize that smiles and sunshine and rainbows are just me. I like to see the positive in things. I am a wonderful person and so are you! If everyone would realize how wonderful they truly are and quit judging everyone then the world would be a better place. There is no reason to belittle others to feel better about themselves. TV and movies and magazines make me so made by telling people they need to be thinner and blond or brunette or a certain height. We are all just the way we are suppose to be!

The same friend that made those comments to me recently had a conversation with me about relationships. His girlfriend is not a nice person. She judges everyone and is insecure with herself and it bothers me. I have tried to befriend her as well, but she snubs me. During our conversation it was brought up that she is threatened by me. She shouldn't be and if she would take the time to get to know me she would know that. I told him that was sad but that she needs to love herself before she can love anyone else. He said that I am insecure too. I responded with "nope I'm fabulous. I love me!" Took me a while to love myself, but I do. I am a wonderful and good person. However, I don't flaunt that, I am not cocky about it, I am just happy with me. That's all I can be. I worked hard to be happy with my faults and strengths. I don't like things to go unsettled. If there is something wrong I want to fix it so it doesn't happen again. I want everyone to be friends and I want everyone to get along. These are faults as well as strength I know. And while I may be happy with myself and who I am, there are occasions where my situation at the time gets me down. It doesn't mean I am getting down on myself, just what is going on. I love myself and I want everyone to. We are all wonderful and unique people. I love that I have so many people in my life that love me for me as well.

Love is uncondtional

Over the last few weeks I have struggled with the thought that maybe I do not love the way I should. There is no doubt that I care for people in my life but do I really really love them the way that I should. Books and movies make love seem so dramatic and grand, but in real life is it really like that? Or is love more of something you show with your day to day actions without really feeling the grandeur of the whole thing until its not there?

Growing up I struggled with wondering what I had done to make my parents not love me like they should. I tried everyday to feel that love I was missing. I was lucky enough to have made a few life long friends early in my life that have given me love and friendship without measure through out my life. But its still not the same love a parent is suppose to have for their children. I have spent my whole life trying to fill my life with people that care for me and that I care for in return. I have many friends and acquaintances that I would gladly be there for in an instant. But when they are not there for me when I need it most it hurts. I very rarely ask for help or let it be known that I am struggling with anything. I have a VERY select few that know the intimate details of my mind and feelings. I often put on a brave front and pretend everything will be fine. Over the last year this front has started to crumble. Its been a very difficult year for me and that I am not afraid to share. But I will say this much. It has made me realize one thing about a parents love. A parents love is unlike any other. It is not a grand gesture but instead a million tiny ones given each and everyday punctuated by larger gestures at monumental times in the child's life. A parents love is hundreds of trips to a children's hospital just to be told things are fine, a parents love is waking up at 2am to clean puke off the floor because your child didn't quite make it to the bathroom, a parents love is making sure their socks match and that they change their underwear daily. All these things show our children daily that we love them even though they may think we are annoying them. I know I love my children I KNOW I do. so why have I been questioning whether or not I am doing it right?

Its not just the love for my children I have been questioning. Its love in general. I know I love my husband and for the most part we get along great. But we don't have some big epic love story that will make eyes water and hearts soar. So are we doing it wrong? And my friends. I love each of them, but do I try to hard to make them love me in return?  I have been asking these questions to myself and to a couple of select others and I have come to this conclusion...There is no wrong or right way to love someone. As it was pointed out to me, I have a big heart and I mean well and I love the way I know how. They may not make a movie about me anytime soon, but I love with my whole heart and am passionate with everything I do. It hurts horribly when the love, affection and adoration are not returned and because of my feelings growing up, rejection sends me into a depression and thoughts such as these, but I try very hard everyday to be nice to everyone I meet and to let everyone in my life know that I love them and am always here for them. You never know when that kindness to someone could make their day or even save their life. you never know if they are battling something unseen that they need that feeling of being needed and wanted. These are feelings I struggle with often. I know why my parents didn't raise me and instead opted for my grandparents to raise me and their reasons are valid and justified, but it doesn't mean I still don't feel the hurt from it. That is something very personal that I haven't shared with many. Its time that I did. I am who I am because of the things that have happened in my life. I cant go back and change them but I can learn from them and try not to make the same mistakes for myself, my children and those around me. I try to remain a positive person, but I do tend to over analyze things and sometimes these things bring me down. I have been fighting a pretty deep depression over the last year. I have been very overwhelmed and I really just want to get back to being me. I know I use to be happy and I should be happy since the birth of my beautiful little girl. Her smile makes me happy, as do my boys laughs. But somethings just keep reminding me to much of things from my past that have hurt me and continue to hurt me at unexpected moments. I will be happy again one day, I have no doubt in that. And I know I will because I have surrounded myself with people that I love and that love me too. I know its part of life to be hurt and rejected and to have these feelings come back at weird times, but as long as we have these people in our lives, it will get better!

Hippies and Healthcare

Does America need some better health care? This has been a debate going back and forth between Dems and Reps for years. I don't claim to be hard core dedicated to any side, but let me tell speak from the mind of someone facing surgery in 10 hours. I have been having some minor yet uncomfortable health issues since August. It seems to be one thing after another, Scar Tissue removed, MRSA, Cysts removed, and now a gall bladder removal. Last year I paid over $10,000 in medical bills for just me. That's not including my insurance premium, any of mine or my children's medications, the various trips to Riley, or specialty items for my children's health. I see a light at the end of my tunnel for this round but who knows where its going to go from there! Do we need some form of National Health Care? You bet your ass we do! I very easily spent my entire years pay on medical related expenses within the last year. I understand Drs and Nurses and hospital staff need to be paid for their skill and talent, but surely something can be figured out to save us from having to go bankrupt to get healthy. Its no wonder costs get so high. People wait until they are on deaths door before they go to a dr and by that point lots of tests and procedures are usually performed and often extensive treatments follow. If we could even have some sort of free preventative care I think it would help tremendously. An oz of prevention is better than a pound of cure. If we could stop things when they are small, it would save lives and money! We wouldn't have to pay the extensive bills of fighting something that was beyond the first treatable stages. That's just my ranting and raving soapbox style...mostly because I am facing a surgery that I am sure is going to cost me another few $1,000 again this year...sigh oh well, tax deduction I guess.

That is kind of a segway into my other topic. I think that along with everyone being able to get health care, I think everyone should love one another and get along. It has come to my attention that my thoughts and ideas seem to be like those of the Hippies of the 60's minus the free sex part. I really believe in the deepest core of my being that everyone should love and be shown love from everyone else. While this thought of a great utopia is admittedly unrealistic, I can still hope and try everything in my power to make my small little world a little happier and let everyone I come in contact with feel that they are wanted and loved. The downfall to this way of thinking is that it leaves your heart open to being hurt. Not everyone is open to this idea and sometimes people think there are ulterior motives as to why someone would show someone else affection or concern even if they didn't know each other very well. With me, the only ulterior motive I have is that I just want everyone to get along. But mostly I want everyone to know that no matter how bad it seems, how alone they think they are, or how hated they may feel, someone wants them in their life, someone loves them, and someone is there to help them make it better...Even if it is someone they just met, someone they have known for a few years or someone they have known their whole life. Everyone deserves that feeling of belonging and love. Call me an old hippie, but what is wrong with loving everyone and wanting everyone to be friends? I don't think its wrong at all. I think more people could benefit from thinking this way!

If we could pay our bills with thank yous and love and affection, we would be a richer nation! Call me a hippie, I don't mind! Love is always free and everyone could always use more of it!

Irrationally Rational

A while back, on a trip home from the ER, a friend of mine and I were talking about fears and how some people have fears that seem irrational. I have thought about this for a couple weeks. Last night, while I was considering another trip to the ER with my daughter my irrational fear came to light. I have always kind of known about my fear, but last night I really realized how big a fear it is. And I can not for the life of me figure out why or where this fear came from. Since the birth of my oldest son I have always worried that they would die in their sleep. Since his birth I haven't slept a full 8 hours. It has gotten progressively less since the births of my following 2 children. I always worried that I would have a child that would be born with difficulties and that I wouldn't be able to do handle it. My daughter was born and she has some mild difficulties. I have stressed myself enough that in my eyes its a huge deal. I just want to protect her and keep her safe, but her mild condition causes her to gasp and aspirate. So you guessed it! This has amped up my fear that she will die while I sleep. I really don't get much sleep. I wake every couple of hours just to check on my children. Part of my fear is made worse by the fact that I am friends with a good majorityof the volunteer firefighters in my area. I fear that something like SIDS will happen to one of my children and the ones to respond will be my friends and I don't want them to have to live with that as well. Completely irrational fears I know, but I fear it just the same. This has to be my biggest fear. I do not believe that I would be capable of pulling myself out of a depression from the loss of a child. My children are my world and I am SOOO worried they will be gone in a flash.
I also have 2 other completely irrational fears and they are with my children as well. I fear they will be kidnapped. All summer long when they play outside I have to force myself to allow them to play outside. If they play with neighbor kids, I watch them walk all the way there and have the other parents call me when they head home so I can watch for them to come home. I know that this is just good parenting, but sometimes I take it to extremes and will get in the car and drive around just to make sure they are still playing at the neighbors...Stalker Mom! That should be my new title! lol
My finally irrational fear is that I will die in a car accident and never get to see my kids graduate high school. Yes, just specifically high school. Don't ask me why! I have no idea. Yes I would like to see them got to college and marry and have kids, but specifically I am scared of intersections because I fear I will die when they are young and I will never get to see them graduate and they will never know how proud I am of them. This fear isn't completely irrational. This one stems from a friend of mine that lost his mother to cancer when he was around 7 or 8 years old. His father never remarried and boy oh boy can you tell there was a lack of mother in his life! God love him, but sometimes he is his fathers child. Anyway, we have had several discussions on things he missed out on not having a mother and so my fear of death before my children get out of school stems from these talks. I hope every day that my children know I love them and that I am proud of them. From the very first time they looked at me with those goo covered eyes, I knew I would do anything to keep them safe and let them know they are loved. So yea, I have some irrational fears of loss and demise, but I love my kids so to me, these fears are rationalized by my love for them.

I do have one other fear, and I am pretty sure its one that every single person alive has. It is the fear of rejection. There have been some times in my life when I have felt unwanted and abandoned. This is not the best feeling in the world. Especially when its someone you love. Feeling unwanted is the worst feeling in the world. I hate the shady tactics that some people use to hurt people...ignoring them, lying to them, talking behind their backs. The first two are the two that bother me the most. I spent a good portion of my life being lied to or having promises made and then broken or ignored. Being lied to or ignored breaks my heart to pieces. Being honest with me is the best course of action with me. It may sting for awhile, but it sure beats the weeks or months of wondering what I did that made them feel they needed to lie to me. I know deep down that normally its someone trying to spare feelings or not let out something, but I see no point in lies. They do nothing but hurt people. and ignoring me...how is that NOT gonna hurt? if you make me a promise, be it a solid "I promise" or an implied promise, please don't break it.  My fears of rejection run pretty deep. I tend to trust easily, but very rarely do I let people in to deep. There are alot of things I keep inside. This is because I don't want to be rejected for being who I am...because it has happened a time or two or ten.

Well, now I have bared my soul and let you in on my perfectly irrational rationalization of my fears. I fight these fears almost daily. I love my kids, that's not a bad thing. I want nothing but the best for them and I don't ever want to lose them. so even if my fears seem irrational, deep down they are rational to me. Everyone that has fears has a reason for them deep down. I think me fearing the loss of my children stems from my fear of rejection...they are connected in my thoughts, cant quite connect on how they are connected in words, but basically in a nutshell: rejection=failure=loss.

These fears also push me to try to be nice to everyone. you don't know what kind of inner war they may be fighting. rejection is a powerful thing! everyone needs to feel wanted and loved. Its important to teach our children this and to spread it to everyone we meet. I have had people ask why i am friends with certain people. This is why. EVERYONE deserves to feel needed, wanted and loved. the world would be a better place if we embraced our fears and loved one another!

Bahumbug and other Holiday Merriments

Well, the Holiday's are upon us and with that comes the food and family festivities that are usually associated with the season. But what about all those that don't have these fantastic marvels of holiday splendor? There's several reasons for this time of year to be the most depressing time of year for many people. The obvious is the lack of sun and blah blah blah. This year however I have been hit hard by the angry seasonal depression. It has been suggested that it is hitting so hard because several of my friends are depressed as well and we are feeding off of each other. This is a good possibility and considering that I tend to take it upon myself to try to help people through their tough times, it is highly probable. I do know that a good portion of my recent funk is do to an inability to understand why other humans do some of the things they do. Why would someone abandon their children? Why do people fall in and out of love? Why are some children meant to be sickly and others are never sick and why do the parents need to fight so hard for the best care of these children? My head has ran nonstop with so many questions since the birth of my daughter in May. What makes the human brain function the way that it does? I have really been wondering and reading on the subject over the last few months. I am noticing that the more I research, the more I am disappointed with my answers. I have noticed that when depression hits, people tend to find one person (usually the one they care the most about) to take it out on or pin all the "blame" on. We are so dependant upon others for our own happiness and this too is something I truly don't understand. Why are we unable to make ourselves completely happy without the force of another person in our lives? It is true that no man is an island. We are all dependant upon each other for survival. We can say we don't need anyone all we want, but the truth of the matter is that we do need each other to survive. Some people are in our lives to push us to do things, others there to support us and others there merely to provide the comic relief we often need. Which brings me right back to the depression. Could it be true that all of the negativity of the year has metastasized itself into this funk that just keeps feeding itself back and forth between friends and families? After all, we are dependent on others in our lives to make or break our own happiness, why not the reverse as well?  And also, why do we take it out on the person we seem to care most about? Is it because we only hurt the ones we love or is it because we know they will be there to support us or is it simply because the person closest to us is the one we want to see us like that the least? By this I mean, do we take it out on the person closest to us in hopes that maybe they will go away and they wont have to see us in our weakened state? After all who wants to show weakness? No one really. So it all seems like a vicious circle of dependency and need. Needing to be loved, accepted, understood and needed. hmmm things to think on! 
So as you sit down with your families, friends, co-workers, etc this holiday season remember that we all need each other to survive. Each person in our lives serve a purpose, however if that person is the cause of to much unhappiness, cut them free. That might have been their purpose all along. We cannot make ourselves happy, but we can choose how to have the right people in our lives and how to not push away those that care about us because we don't want them to think we are weak. We all are at one time or another. Its our choice as to who we want to see us in that light and if that person really means that much, let them see you weak and vulnerable. They will care that much more about you in return and mutual support is one of the best gifts anyone can give!