A while back, on a trip home from the ER, a friend of mine and I were talking about fears and how some people have fears that seem irrational. I have thought about this for a couple weeks. Last night, while I was considering another trip to the ER with my daughter my irrational fear came to light. I have always kind of known about my fear, but last night I really realized how big a fear it is. And I can not for the life of me figure out why or where this fear came from. Since the birth of my oldest son I have always worried that they would die in their sleep. Since his birth I haven't slept a full 8 hours. It has gotten progressively less since the births of my following 2 children. I always worried that I would have a child that would be born with difficulties and that I wouldn't be able to do handle it. My daughter was born and she has some mild difficulties. I have stressed myself enough that in my eyes its a huge deal. I just want to protect her and keep her safe, but her mild condition causes her to gasp and aspirate. So you guessed it! This has amped up my fear that she will die while I sleep. I really don't get much sleep. I wake every couple of hours just to check on my children. Part of my fear is made worse by the fact that I am friends with a good majorityof the volunteer firefighters in my area. I fear that something like SIDS will happen to one of my children and the ones to respond will be my friends and I don't want them to have to live with that as well. Completely irrational fears I know, but I fear it just the same. This has to be my biggest fear. I do not believe that I would be capable of pulling myself out of a depression from the loss of a child. My children are my world and I am SOOO worried they will be gone in a flash.
I also have 2 other completely irrational fears and they are with my children as well. I fear they will be kidnapped. All summer long when they play outside I have to force myself to allow them to play outside. If they play with neighbor kids, I watch them walk all the way there and have the other parents call me when they head home so I can watch for them to come home. I know that this is just good parenting, but sometimes I take it to extremes and will get in the car and drive around just to make sure they are still playing at the neighbors...Stalker Mom! That should be my new title! lol
My finally irrational fear is that I will die in a car accident and never get to see my kids graduate high school. Yes, just specifically high school. Don't ask me why! I have no idea. Yes I would like to see them got to college and marry and have kids, but specifically I am scared of intersections because I fear I will die when they are young and I will never get to see them graduate and they will never know how proud I am of them. This fear isn't completely irrational. This one stems from a friend of mine that lost his mother to cancer when he was around 7 or 8 years old. His father never remarried and boy oh boy can you tell there was a lack of mother in his life! God love him, but sometimes he is his fathers child. Anyway, we have had several discussions on things he missed out on not having a mother and so my fear of death before my children get out of school stems from these talks. I hope every day that my children know I love them and that I am proud of them. From the very first time they looked at me with those goo covered eyes, I knew I would do anything to keep them safe and let them know they are loved. So yea, I have some irrational fears of loss and demise, but I love my kids so to me, these fears are rationalized by my love for them.
I do have one other fear, and I am pretty sure its one that every single person alive has. It is the fear of rejection. There have been some times in my life when I have felt unwanted and abandoned. This is not the best feeling in the world. Especially when its someone you love. Feeling unwanted is the worst feeling in the world. I hate the shady tactics that some people use to hurt people...ignoring them, lying to them, talking behind their backs. The first two are the two that bother me the most. I spent a good portion of my life being lied to or having promises made and then broken or ignored. Being lied to or ignored breaks my heart to pieces. Being honest with me is the best course of action with me. It may sting for awhile, but it sure beats the weeks or months of wondering what I did that made them feel they needed to lie to me. I know deep down that normally its someone trying to spare feelings or not let out something, but I see no point in lies. They do nothing but hurt people. and ignoring me...how is that NOT gonna hurt? if you make me a promise, be it a solid "I promise" or an implied promise, please don't break it. My fears of rejection run pretty deep. I tend to trust easily, but very rarely do I let people in to deep. There are alot of things I keep inside. This is because I don't want to be rejected for being who I am...because it has happened a time or two or ten.
Well, now I have bared my soul and let you in on my perfectly irrational rationalization of my fears. I fight these fears almost daily. I love my kids, that's not a bad thing. I want nothing but the best for them and I don't ever want to lose them. so even if my fears seem irrational, deep down they are rational to me. Everyone that has fears has a reason for them deep down. I think me fearing the loss of my children stems from my fear of rejection...they are connected in my thoughts, cant quite connect on how they are connected in words, but basically in a nutshell: rejection=failure=loss.
These fears also push me to try to be nice to everyone. you don't know what kind of inner war they may be fighting. rejection is a powerful thing! everyone needs to feel wanted and loved. Its important to teach our children this and to spread it to everyone we meet. I have had people ask why i am friends with certain people. This is why. EVERYONE deserves to feel needed, wanted and loved. the world would be a better place if we embraced our fears and loved one another!
I have some of the same fears, Charlotte…of losing a child (I am in no way, shape, or form strong enough to lose a child), and of leaving this Earth before my children are raised. I know a young Mother who passed away from cancer when her daughters were 3 and 4ish (just last year). She was such an amazing woman, and had so much to offer those little girls. It’s just so sad. I do think that once most women become a Mom, those fears become a reality. Children really do change you. Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in your thoughts, and your kiddos are so lucky to have such an amazing, caring, and thoughtful Mom!
ReplyDeleteone of the worst dreams that ive ever had was one time ashlynn stayed the night with me (she was maybe 3ish) and i dreamt that she was sleepging and wasnt breathing. it woke me up and i went to check on her, i coudnt tell if that was her chest moving or me shaking, so i woke her up. i wonder if kids have memories of their parents waking them up just to tell them to go back to asleep...
ReplyDeleteI know what it is like to lose a child, and then lose the man who helped you father that child. For a long time I lived in the bottle. I didn't love myself, or want to love again. The world did not exist for me, I was alone. It took me over a year later to learn to love again,(thank god for my husband's patience with me!) and now I am still with that person almost six yrs later. I now have two beautiful children with this man. But there still is a hole in my heart and my soul. I feared when my daughter turned a yr and then 18 mos, it wasn't until she was two that I breathed easier, same with my son. Life changes people...and there are others out there to help when you feel alone, you just have to reach for them...love you!
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