I am running for President. I seriously should. I couldn't possibly be any worse than what we have! And there so dirt they could dig up on me that I couldn't turn around and ask the nation if they cant relate. I've been jokingly saying I was going to run for some time now. It was mostly between me and my uncle. Today after reading the newspaper inadvertently, I have decided that maybe I should get involved in politics. I don't generally read the newspaper and watch a minuscule amount of the news. It just infuriates me to much to see how negative reporting has become. Makes me wonder if that's part of why there seems to be so much negativity going on anymore. But that's another post for another time.
This morning I read that a couple was trying to trade their baby for drugs. Children are my passion. They are our future and so reading this angered me beyond anger. When did children become a pawn in a game? But what angered me more than the parents actions was the immediate thought that that poor child will be put in foster care while the system drags out everything and some 2-3 years later, after this child has bonded with its foster parents, would be returned to its druggie parents. It will all be over some failure to file a correct document, or because the parents attended some classes, or simply because a judge feels like it that day. I use to think that no person in their right mind would give these kinds of parents their children back, but after volunteering to be a child advocate for the last 5 1/2 years I realize how flawed and retarded our system has become. I have seen a baby come into the foster home at 9 months old with broken bones and a fractured skull. I have seen this baby be loved and cared for for 3 years by foster parents that want to keep him forever. I have seen the system give the abusive parents chance after chance. After 3 years I have seen this child go back to the abusive home he came from as a broken and battered infant. I've seen babies born premature addicted to drugs and have the case worker make comments that the foster parents cant ask for him to be treated as a special needs because they will remove him and put him with fosters that wont ask that. I've seen a child get hit, slammed into a wall and told every day how stupid they are and have report after report filed with child services only to be told that the child has a roof over their head, clothes on their back and food to eat and no showing marks so that child gets to stay in a home where she is being brought up to believe she is worthless and fat and where she is being taught to manipulate people to get what she wants. I could list a dozen or more cases of the system failing children. Our current system is all about money and power and NOT about the welfare of the children.
I became a child advocate in the hopes that I could save some children from some of the things I had encountered as a child. I was young and thought I could really do some good. I was really thinking that with some help and some guidance the parents could get off drugs and would realize the wonderful thing they had in front of them. As it stands now, every case I have ever had, the parents are to damn selfish to realize the wonderful miracle that has been given to them. What happened to parents wanting better for their children? When did getting stoned or laid a better option than cuddling on the couch with your sweet child? When did it became ok for parents to take out their frustrations on their children in a violent manner. To me, these judges returning these children to these environments is just perpetuating the cycle of selfish behaviour. I understand that the judges get a short amount of time with the cases and have to rely on what they are told, but somewhere there needs to be a connection to each case.
So, I am seriously considering doing some political work to try and get a few things changed in regards to our children. Think about it...Our children will be the ones taking care of us one day. They will be the ones in the medical fields, they will be the ones serving us food at restaurants, they will be the ones teaching our children. Do we really want a nation of children that are raised thinking its ok to be selfish, its ok to do drugs, its ok to hit our children (and adults). There are so many things I want to see made better. Maybe I should run for president. I couldn't be any worse than the options we have in front of us anyway, and I think its time this country is run by a mom that clips coupons, can get her kids to their sports while still working a full time job, volunteering, and running a home. Why on earth do we continue to let men be the head of the house when we all know that its the woman that truly runs things?
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
And the walls come tumbling down...and then get built higher
Its a funny thing, trust. Some people trust to easy, some not at all. I have been told my entire life that I will only have enough true friends to count on one hand. I disagree with this statement. I have been blessed with an abundance of life long friends. We may not have always agreed, we may not have always gotten along, we may not talk every single day like we did in our teens, but I have truly beyond doubt been blessed with some of the oldest and dearest friends anyone could ask for. I wont say it's been easy to be my friend at times either. There were a couple of brushes with the law (while not always my idea, often had our parents trying to keep us apart), several fights and disagreements that come from spending every waking moment together, and various other struggles that come from being someones friend for many years.
What does this have to do with trust? In the journey of finding yourself and learning your true friends you often get a bit of your life interrupted by impostors. You know the kind. The ones that use you to make someone mad, the ones that take, take, take then leave you high and dry when you need a friend, the ones that only want to be your "friend" to tear you down, the ones that don't know how to love them self so they become "cling-ons" to anyone that shows attention then as soon as someone else give more attention, they are gone. There are various more varieties of them, but you know these people. I truly don't believe most of them realize they are bad friends, they just don't know what they are doing. Regardless, these types of friendships have a way of tearing down that wall of trust just enough that when it goes bad, you build the wall even higher the next time. Every one has had a person like this in their life at one time or another. Sometimes we learn and watch for it in the future, sometimes we keep getting sucked back in for reasons unknown. I have had a few in my life. I tend to tell myself (as well as my other friends) that I feel like there is a reason I keep getting pulled back in. Like a feeling that I am not finished. Do you know that feeling?
I like to think that every person is put into your life for a reason. For some reason, I just cant grasp that maybe just maybe these users and abusers are put in my life to teach me to quit trusting so easily. That would just be to simple right? I will be the first to tell you, I HAVE learned not to trust like I use to. But I still open my heart to people. I believe everyone single person deserves to have a friend. Every single person alive deserves to feel that human connection. That said...Just because I let someone into a section of my life, does NOT mean I trust them. over the last couple of years I have learned that more then anything. No one friend knows every single thing about me and I like it that way. I have several people I confide in, several I have fun with, several that have known me since the 3rd grade. But no one, not even my husband knows the full and real me. I do not trust nearly as much as I appear and my walls are pretty high in all honesty. But be honest with yourself, does anyone ever really know another human being completely? That's why I say that trust is a funny thing. There are a few people I would honestly trust with my life, while at the same time those same people I cant trust enough to let them in on the parts of my life I keep hidden. How funny is it that I trust these individuals to save my life if needed and a couple to even trade their lives for mine if ever it came to it, but I wont let them in to the depths of my mind, emotions and memories. Trust is a funny thing!
I often wonder if I am the only person that has this part of themselves that they keep tucked away. I sometimes feel lonely because there are parts of myself that I just don't want to share. They are dark painful memories and I don't think anyone would understand. Plus, I don't want to open myself up further to hurt, rejection, and betrayal. I trust only myself to not do that and even I fail myself in that. Again, that damn trust is a funny thing.
Regardless of the fact that I know everyone has a part of them they don't show, its important to build trust and relationships with people. And like I said, I have truly been blessed to have some of the best friends. Many of them have been there while I was finding myself and stuck around after I did. Many more are newer friends and have helped make me feel good about the person I have become. Everyone has their demons or skeletons in the closet. I have both, however I use these negative forces to try to do good for others. To open my heart and trust that deep down all anyone needs is to be accepted and have a friend is the brightest way to cast out the darkness that lingers. To my friends that trust me with their life as I trust them with mine, thanks for being there! To the ones that have hurt me, thank you for giving me a stronger foundation to build my wall upon. In all reality, those are the things that make us stronger people. My wall may crumble a little once in awhile, but its from where the few have made the attempt to climb over to the other side. I'm a damn good Friend to have. I feel I have the right ot brag about that. I would do anything for anyone that has put in the effort to be my friend as much as I have theirs...And besides that, if it turns out I am not what you need in your life, well then at least I have helped build your foundation. So do that funny little thing called trust, and let people into your lives just a bit. Letting them in some doesn't mean they need to be in all of it! Everyone needs a friend! It helps make those dark times not so dark!
What does this have to do with trust? In the journey of finding yourself and learning your true friends you often get a bit of your life interrupted by impostors. You know the kind. The ones that use you to make someone mad, the ones that take, take, take then leave you high and dry when you need a friend, the ones that only want to be your "friend" to tear you down, the ones that don't know how to love them self so they become "cling-ons" to anyone that shows attention then as soon as someone else give more attention, they are gone. There are various more varieties of them, but you know these people. I truly don't believe most of them realize they are bad friends, they just don't know what they are doing. Regardless, these types of friendships have a way of tearing down that wall of trust just enough that when it goes bad, you build the wall even higher the next time. Every one has had a person like this in their life at one time or another. Sometimes we learn and watch for it in the future, sometimes we keep getting sucked back in for reasons unknown. I have had a few in my life. I tend to tell myself (as well as my other friends) that I feel like there is a reason I keep getting pulled back in. Like a feeling that I am not finished. Do you know that feeling?
I like to think that every person is put into your life for a reason. For some reason, I just cant grasp that maybe just maybe these users and abusers are put in my life to teach me to quit trusting so easily. That would just be to simple right? I will be the first to tell you, I HAVE learned not to trust like I use to. But I still open my heart to people. I believe everyone single person deserves to have a friend. Every single person alive deserves to feel that human connection. That said...Just because I let someone into a section of my life, does NOT mean I trust them. over the last couple of years I have learned that more then anything. No one friend knows every single thing about me and I like it that way. I have several people I confide in, several I have fun with, several that have known me since the 3rd grade. But no one, not even my husband knows the full and real me. I do not trust nearly as much as I appear and my walls are pretty high in all honesty. But be honest with yourself, does anyone ever really know another human being completely? That's why I say that trust is a funny thing. There are a few people I would honestly trust with my life, while at the same time those same people I cant trust enough to let them in on the parts of my life I keep hidden. How funny is it that I trust these individuals to save my life if needed and a couple to even trade their lives for mine if ever it came to it, but I wont let them in to the depths of my mind, emotions and memories. Trust is a funny thing!
I often wonder if I am the only person that has this part of themselves that they keep tucked away. I sometimes feel lonely because there are parts of myself that I just don't want to share. They are dark painful memories and I don't think anyone would understand. Plus, I don't want to open myself up further to hurt, rejection, and betrayal. I trust only myself to not do that and even I fail myself in that. Again, that damn trust is a funny thing.
Regardless of the fact that I know everyone has a part of them they don't show, its important to build trust and relationships with people. And like I said, I have truly been blessed to have some of the best friends. Many of them have been there while I was finding myself and stuck around after I did. Many more are newer friends and have helped make me feel good about the person I have become. Everyone has their demons or skeletons in the closet. I have both, however I use these negative forces to try to do good for others. To open my heart and trust that deep down all anyone needs is to be accepted and have a friend is the brightest way to cast out the darkness that lingers. To my friends that trust me with their life as I trust them with mine, thanks for being there! To the ones that have hurt me, thank you for giving me a stronger foundation to build my wall upon. In all reality, those are the things that make us stronger people. My wall may crumble a little once in awhile, but its from where the few have made the attempt to climb over to the other side. I'm a damn good Friend to have. I feel I have the right ot brag about that. I would do anything for anyone that has put in the effort to be my friend as much as I have theirs...And besides that, if it turns out I am not what you need in your life, well then at least I have helped build your foundation. So do that funny little thing called trust, and let people into your lives just a bit. Letting them in some doesn't mean they need to be in all of it! Everyone needs a friend! It helps make those dark times not so dark!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Change is inevitable
Admittedly its been a while since I blogged. I have been incredibly busy with things in my life. I always seem to have things pop into my mind when I am no where near a computer. That being said, be prepared for a few blogs back to back. I have had so much on my mind that I really want to get out there. This particular blog is going to be about the inevitable change that accrues when you grow older.
do you ever take a look at your life and think to yourself "how did I get here?" I look at like life often as one of those "choose your own adventure" books that I loved so much as an adolescent. If I had made this decision instead of this one where would I be now. The difference between those books and real life is that you cant go back and rechoose and go a different path. Maybe that's why I loved those books so much. It gave me the option to have a new ending if I didn't like what happened to the lead character. oh wouldn't it be so much easier to go back to where you think you made a wrong choice and start again from there? But then, what would those effects have on the present day? Would it exist at all?
I am not saying for a minute that I am unhappy with my life so you can scratch those thoughts out right now. What I am saying is that every single one of us has that occasional "what if I had done this instead" thought. Your lying to yourself if you say you haven't. its part of human nature to wonder if you made the right choice occasionally. With me this has been at the forefront of my mind lately. I have made strides to go back to college to finish. It is the one regret I have with my life that I want to get rid of. I don't like having regrets and I try very hard not to, however through various circumstances I ended up dropping out of school and soon after had my wonderful son. I have regretted not finishing since he was around a year old. Its amazing how a child can put your life into perspective. After all, how was I going to tell this beautiful child of mine to finish what he starts when I myself had not finished what I had started. So for several years I would feel I was at a place where I could go back and not have factors hold me back, and every time I decided I was going to do it and made all the calls, something would happen (I got engaged and so planning a wedding at the time took top priority, I got pregnant...twice, family members needed my help with various things). 2 years ago I had enrolled and had a start date, a week before I was to start I found out I was pregnant for the 3rd time. I was devastated. More than devastated really. I was finally doing something for me and once again I got knocked back. How could this be happening to me again? Would I ever get to fulfill that nagging part of me? What did I do to deserve this? Was I being to selfish and that's why going to college was out of my reach again? I had so many questions that no one could answer. All I wanted was to do one thing for myself. I was angry and sad and confused. Then we had some health scares and I kind of pushed away the selfish thoughts of "what about me?"
I spent the year after my daughter was born taking her back and forth to the children's hospital nearly 2 hours away. Her issue was mild and in comparison to some of the other children that were there I felt as though maybe we were wasting the Dr.s precious time when he could be treating someone more severe than my child's aspirations of food. I tried to tell myself that because I couldn't see my child's problem, then it wasn't really that big of a deal. It was and I know that it was and even though we have been cleared by all of her Dr's, I still wake in the middle of the night to make sure she hasn't aspirated in her sleep. But even during these trips to the hospital I would sometimes wonder, when will I get to do me again? When am I going to get to go to school or do something purely for myself again? Selfish thoughts at the time.
My daughter was cleared from her final Dr and I thought, "NOW! Now its time!" I have once again taken the steps to go back to school. I've declared my major, spoken to the wonderful lady that will be my advisor, filed for Government assistance and now set before me once again is a life altering change.
My husband and I have stayed in the tiny home we currently have because we are the last of the grandchildren to buy a home and we would like nothing more than to keep his grandfather's house in the family. So we have stayed where we are preparing for that inevitable time and transition into his home. My husbands grandfather is not in the best health and recently I had vocalized to my husband as well as his mother that I fear he is getting worse in a hurry. This seems to have prompted my husband to fix the things in his grandpa's house in a hurry so that his grandpa can approve them before he is no longer living in the home. It's amazing how the thought of losing a loved one can trigger thoughts about changes. I have made the decision that I am not withdrawing from school this time. I have enough friends and family that I feel confident that I will be able to transition into these changes and still be able to finally be a little selfish. but its made me realize that change is inevitable.
I still love my husband very much, but when I look back through the 11 years we have been together I realize we have changed. Mostly we have changed together, but over all we are not the 20somethings we were when we met. We have children now and that alone caused us to grow up. We have jobs that depend on us to be there, we have grown older and more mature and responsible. But that's not a bad thing. Sometimes its hard to realize that the changes aren't bad. Just because we don't stay out all night, or do the crazy things we use to doesn't mean we love each other any less. Its hard for me sometimes to deal with the fact that we have been together 11 years and the things we did to woo each other so many years ago just don't happen anymore. I often don't see the romance in anything anymore until the moment has passed. And like every time I have pushed school aside to deal with whatever life change has come my way, I sometimes dwell on the negative instead of seeing that by not doing school when I wanted to I got to enjoy my children during the very first year, I got to spend time with people that are no longer here, I got to marry the man I love, and so much more. I made my choices and really I wouldn't go back to see if I could find a different ending like in those books. I'm pretty happy with where the story is leading me right now. I am making conscience efforts to not see the negative effects of change. It's hard, so hard, especially when I don't want the change. But change is inevitable and if you don't go with it, you may miss out on the best parts of the story!
do you ever take a look at your life and think to yourself "how did I get here?" I look at like life often as one of those "choose your own adventure" books that I loved so much as an adolescent. If I had made this decision instead of this one where would I be now. The difference between those books and real life is that you cant go back and rechoose and go a different path. Maybe that's why I loved those books so much. It gave me the option to have a new ending if I didn't like what happened to the lead character. oh wouldn't it be so much easier to go back to where you think you made a wrong choice and start again from there? But then, what would those effects have on the present day? Would it exist at all?
I am not saying for a minute that I am unhappy with my life so you can scratch those thoughts out right now. What I am saying is that every single one of us has that occasional "what if I had done this instead" thought. Your lying to yourself if you say you haven't. its part of human nature to wonder if you made the right choice occasionally. With me this has been at the forefront of my mind lately. I have made strides to go back to college to finish. It is the one regret I have with my life that I want to get rid of. I don't like having regrets and I try very hard not to, however through various circumstances I ended up dropping out of school and soon after had my wonderful son. I have regretted not finishing since he was around a year old. Its amazing how a child can put your life into perspective. After all, how was I going to tell this beautiful child of mine to finish what he starts when I myself had not finished what I had started. So for several years I would feel I was at a place where I could go back and not have factors hold me back, and every time I decided I was going to do it and made all the calls, something would happen (I got engaged and so planning a wedding at the time took top priority, I got pregnant...twice, family members needed my help with various things). 2 years ago I had enrolled and had a start date, a week before I was to start I found out I was pregnant for the 3rd time. I was devastated. More than devastated really. I was finally doing something for me and once again I got knocked back. How could this be happening to me again? Would I ever get to fulfill that nagging part of me? What did I do to deserve this? Was I being to selfish and that's why going to college was out of my reach again? I had so many questions that no one could answer. All I wanted was to do one thing for myself. I was angry and sad and confused. Then we had some health scares and I kind of pushed away the selfish thoughts of "what about me?"
I spent the year after my daughter was born taking her back and forth to the children's hospital nearly 2 hours away. Her issue was mild and in comparison to some of the other children that were there I felt as though maybe we were wasting the Dr.s precious time when he could be treating someone more severe than my child's aspirations of food. I tried to tell myself that because I couldn't see my child's problem, then it wasn't really that big of a deal. It was and I know that it was and even though we have been cleared by all of her Dr's, I still wake in the middle of the night to make sure she hasn't aspirated in her sleep. But even during these trips to the hospital I would sometimes wonder, when will I get to do me again? When am I going to get to go to school or do something purely for myself again? Selfish thoughts at the time.
My daughter was cleared from her final Dr and I thought, "NOW! Now its time!" I have once again taken the steps to go back to school. I've declared my major, spoken to the wonderful lady that will be my advisor, filed for Government assistance and now set before me once again is a life altering change.
My husband and I have stayed in the tiny home we currently have because we are the last of the grandchildren to buy a home and we would like nothing more than to keep his grandfather's house in the family. So we have stayed where we are preparing for that inevitable time and transition into his home. My husbands grandfather is not in the best health and recently I had vocalized to my husband as well as his mother that I fear he is getting worse in a hurry. This seems to have prompted my husband to fix the things in his grandpa's house in a hurry so that his grandpa can approve them before he is no longer living in the home. It's amazing how the thought of losing a loved one can trigger thoughts about changes. I have made the decision that I am not withdrawing from school this time. I have enough friends and family that I feel confident that I will be able to transition into these changes and still be able to finally be a little selfish. but its made me realize that change is inevitable.
I still love my husband very much, but when I look back through the 11 years we have been together I realize we have changed. Mostly we have changed together, but over all we are not the 20somethings we were when we met. We have children now and that alone caused us to grow up. We have jobs that depend on us to be there, we have grown older and more mature and responsible. But that's not a bad thing. Sometimes its hard to realize that the changes aren't bad. Just because we don't stay out all night, or do the crazy things we use to doesn't mean we love each other any less. Its hard for me sometimes to deal with the fact that we have been together 11 years and the things we did to woo each other so many years ago just don't happen anymore. I often don't see the romance in anything anymore until the moment has passed. And like every time I have pushed school aside to deal with whatever life change has come my way, I sometimes dwell on the negative instead of seeing that by not doing school when I wanted to I got to enjoy my children during the very first year, I got to spend time with people that are no longer here, I got to marry the man I love, and so much more. I made my choices and really I wouldn't go back to see if I could find a different ending like in those books. I'm pretty happy with where the story is leading me right now. I am making conscience efforts to not see the negative effects of change. It's hard, so hard, especially when I don't want the change. But change is inevitable and if you don't go with it, you may miss out on the best parts of the story!
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