I have come to realize over the last week that I have some pretty wonderful people in my life. They may not be there every single day, but when they are there they are wonderful! I had the joy of having a boisterous lunch with an old friend last week. My children joined us for lunch and were a bit on the hyper side, but it was a nice lunch just the same. They next day, a person whom I still consider a friend despite some disagreements lately joined me for lunch where we talked about our disagreement and I am feeling hopeful that we can resume a friendship albeit not like it was. And then the weekend was sprinkled heavily with friends new and old asking to spend time with me. It was a week that reminded me that even though sometimes I get down, that there are still people who want and need me.
It was pointed out to me by a couple people last week that I am a unique person. I myself don't see me that way, but it's nice to hear that people have chosen to be my friend because I am trusted and understanding and "different from everyone else". I just mostly want everyone to get along and agree to disagree when needed. I don't see a point in judging people because you don't know what they have or are going through. I have my views on things, but I think its would be conceded of me to think that my views are the only truth. I am open to the idea that I might be wrong about religion, life, health etc, but it doesn't keep me from having my views on them. I love willingly and passionately but will not say "I love you" unless I mean it and I know that the feeling will be returned because those three words can lift you up or break your heart and so I am very careful when using them. I believe that EVERY SINGLE person deserves to be treated with respect and to not be criticized for what they choose to believe. I smile at everyone. A simple smile can change a persons whole day. I am never intentionally mean to anyone (although I will admit there are times I have wanted to be) but I don't like to be treated mean and so I don't do it! I try to be the bigger person and forgive easily (although I never forget) I like to believe that everyone can do and be good, but not everyone knows how and so I like to try and show through my life and actions that when you do good, good things happen. There are the occasional bumps in the road that make me have to work harder to get back to good, but those are there to remind me how good the good times and things are.
I had a friend tell me once from the depths of his depression that "things aren't always sunshine and rainbows" No they aren't I agree. But without the storms you wouldn't have the sunshine and rainbows. At the time he told me that, it kind of got me down some. I didn't want to annoy my friend, but I didn't want him to be down anymore either. But his comment for some reason kinda knocked me back some. Probably didn't help that a day or two before he asked why I never cry in front of him. I try not to cry in front of anyone unless you are very close to me. It's really a silly reason why. Its not that I like to show I am strong and not cry, simple put, I know I look very comical when I cry. My face twists itself up and turns bright red. I am sensitive and I don't cry in front of people because I don't want to be made fun of. So his 2 comments really made me think that maybe I come off as "fake" to some people. Its been about a year since those comments but I still remember them very well. I often wonder if it wasn't the start of my latest depression. But I have since reevaluated those statements and realize that smiles and sunshine and rainbows are just me. I like to see the positive in things. I am a wonderful person and so are you! If everyone would realize how wonderful they truly are and quit judging everyone then the world would be a better place. There is no reason to belittle others to feel better about themselves. TV and movies and magazines make me so made by telling people they need to be thinner and blond or brunette or a certain height. We are all just the way we are suppose to be!
The same friend that made those comments to me recently had a conversation with me about relationships. His girlfriend is not a nice person. She judges everyone and is insecure with herself and it bothers me. I have tried to befriend her as well, but she snubs me. During our conversation it was brought up that she is threatened by me. She shouldn't be and if she would take the time to get to know me she would know that. I told him that was sad but that she needs to love herself before she can love anyone else. He said that I am insecure too. I responded with "nope I'm fabulous. I love me!" Took me a while to love myself, but I do. I am a wonderful and good person. However, I don't flaunt that, I am not cocky about it, I am just happy with me. That's all I can be. I worked hard to be happy with my faults and strengths. I don't like things to go unsettled. If there is something wrong I want to fix it so it doesn't happen again. I want everyone to be friends and I want everyone to get along. These are faults as well as strength I know. And while I may be happy with myself and who I am, there are occasions where my situation at the time gets me down. It doesn't mean I am getting down on myself, just what is going on. I love myself and I want everyone to. We are all wonderful and unique people. I love that I have so many people in my life that love me for me as well.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Love is uncondtional
Over the last few weeks I have struggled with the thought that maybe I do not love the way I should. There is no doubt that I care for people in my life but do I really really love them the way that I should. Books and movies make love seem so dramatic and grand, but in real life is it really like that? Or is love more of something you show with your day to day actions without really feeling the grandeur of the whole thing until its not there?
Growing up I struggled with wondering what I had done to make my parents not love me like they should. I tried everyday to feel that love I was missing. I was lucky enough to have made a few life long friends early in my life that have given me love and friendship without measure through out my life. But its still not the same love a parent is suppose to have for their children. I have spent my whole life trying to fill my life with people that care for me and that I care for in return. I have many friends and acquaintances that I would gladly be there for in an instant. But when they are not there for me when I need it most it hurts. I very rarely ask for help or let it be known that I am struggling with anything. I have a VERY select few that know the intimate details of my mind and feelings. I often put on a brave front and pretend everything will be fine. Over the last year this front has started to crumble. Its been a very difficult year for me and that I am not afraid to share. But I will say this much. It has made me realize one thing about a parents love. A parents love is unlike any other. It is not a grand gesture but instead a million tiny ones given each and everyday punctuated by larger gestures at monumental times in the child's life. A parents love is hundreds of trips to a children's hospital just to be told things are fine, a parents love is waking up at 2am to clean puke off the floor because your child didn't quite make it to the bathroom, a parents love is making sure their socks match and that they change their underwear daily. All these things show our children daily that we love them even though they may think we are annoying them. I know I love my children I KNOW I do. so why have I been questioning whether or not I am doing it right?
Its not just the love for my children I have been questioning. Its love in general. I know I love my husband and for the most part we get along great. But we don't have some big epic love story that will make eyes water and hearts soar. So are we doing it wrong? And my friends. I love each of them, but do I try to hard to make them love me in return? I have been asking these questions to myself and to a couple of select others and I have come to this conclusion...There is no wrong or right way to love someone. As it was pointed out to me, I have a big heart and I mean well and I love the way I know how. They may not make a movie about me anytime soon, but I love with my whole heart and am passionate with everything I do. It hurts horribly when the love, affection and adoration are not returned and because of my feelings growing up, rejection sends me into a depression and thoughts such as these, but I try very hard everyday to be nice to everyone I meet and to let everyone in my life know that I love them and am always here for them. You never know when that kindness to someone could make their day or even save their life. you never know if they are battling something unseen that they need that feeling of being needed and wanted. These are feelings I struggle with often. I know why my parents didn't raise me and instead opted for my grandparents to raise me and their reasons are valid and justified, but it doesn't mean I still don't feel the hurt from it. That is something very personal that I haven't shared with many. Its time that I did. I am who I am because of the things that have happened in my life. I cant go back and change them but I can learn from them and try not to make the same mistakes for myself, my children and those around me. I try to remain a positive person, but I do tend to over analyze things and sometimes these things bring me down. I have been fighting a pretty deep depression over the last year. I have been very overwhelmed and I really just want to get back to being me. I know I use to be happy and I should be happy since the birth of my beautiful little girl. Her smile makes me happy, as do my boys laughs. But somethings just keep reminding me to much of things from my past that have hurt me and continue to hurt me at unexpected moments. I will be happy again one day, I have no doubt in that. And I know I will because I have surrounded myself with people that I love and that love me too. I know its part of life to be hurt and rejected and to have these feelings come back at weird times, but as long as we have these people in our lives, it will get better!
Growing up I struggled with wondering what I had done to make my parents not love me like they should. I tried everyday to feel that love I was missing. I was lucky enough to have made a few life long friends early in my life that have given me love and friendship without measure through out my life. But its still not the same love a parent is suppose to have for their children. I have spent my whole life trying to fill my life with people that care for me and that I care for in return. I have many friends and acquaintances that I would gladly be there for in an instant. But when they are not there for me when I need it most it hurts. I very rarely ask for help or let it be known that I am struggling with anything. I have a VERY select few that know the intimate details of my mind and feelings. I often put on a brave front and pretend everything will be fine. Over the last year this front has started to crumble. Its been a very difficult year for me and that I am not afraid to share. But I will say this much. It has made me realize one thing about a parents love. A parents love is unlike any other. It is not a grand gesture but instead a million tiny ones given each and everyday punctuated by larger gestures at monumental times in the child's life. A parents love is hundreds of trips to a children's hospital just to be told things are fine, a parents love is waking up at 2am to clean puke off the floor because your child didn't quite make it to the bathroom, a parents love is making sure their socks match and that they change their underwear daily. All these things show our children daily that we love them even though they may think we are annoying them. I know I love my children I KNOW I do. so why have I been questioning whether or not I am doing it right?
Its not just the love for my children I have been questioning. Its love in general. I know I love my husband and for the most part we get along great. But we don't have some big epic love story that will make eyes water and hearts soar. So are we doing it wrong? And my friends. I love each of them, but do I try to hard to make them love me in return? I have been asking these questions to myself and to a couple of select others and I have come to this conclusion...There is no wrong or right way to love someone. As it was pointed out to me, I have a big heart and I mean well and I love the way I know how. They may not make a movie about me anytime soon, but I love with my whole heart and am passionate with everything I do. It hurts horribly when the love, affection and adoration are not returned and because of my feelings growing up, rejection sends me into a depression and thoughts such as these, but I try very hard everyday to be nice to everyone I meet and to let everyone in my life know that I love them and am always here for them. You never know when that kindness to someone could make their day or even save their life. you never know if they are battling something unseen that they need that feeling of being needed and wanted. These are feelings I struggle with often. I know why my parents didn't raise me and instead opted for my grandparents to raise me and their reasons are valid and justified, but it doesn't mean I still don't feel the hurt from it. That is something very personal that I haven't shared with many. Its time that I did. I am who I am because of the things that have happened in my life. I cant go back and change them but I can learn from them and try not to make the same mistakes for myself, my children and those around me. I try to remain a positive person, but I do tend to over analyze things and sometimes these things bring me down. I have been fighting a pretty deep depression over the last year. I have been very overwhelmed and I really just want to get back to being me. I know I use to be happy and I should be happy since the birth of my beautiful little girl. Her smile makes me happy, as do my boys laughs. But somethings just keep reminding me to much of things from my past that have hurt me and continue to hurt me at unexpected moments. I will be happy again one day, I have no doubt in that. And I know I will because I have surrounded myself with people that I love and that love me too. I know its part of life to be hurt and rejected and to have these feelings come back at weird times, but as long as we have these people in our lives, it will get better!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)