Over the last few weeks I have struggled with the thought that maybe I do not love the way I should. There is no doubt that I care for people in my life but do I really really love them the way that I should. Books and movies make love seem so dramatic and grand, but in real life is it really like that? Or is love more of something you show with your day to day actions without really feeling the grandeur of the whole thing until its not there?
Growing up I struggled with wondering what I had done to make my parents not love me like they should. I tried everyday to feel that love I was missing. I was lucky enough to have made a few life long friends early in my life that have given me love and friendship without measure through out my life. But its still not the same love a parent is suppose to have for their children. I have spent my whole life trying to fill my life with people that care for me and that I care for in return. I have many friends and acquaintances that I would gladly be there for in an instant. But when they are not there for me when I need it most it hurts. I very rarely ask for help or let it be known that I am struggling with anything. I have a VERY select few that know the intimate details of my mind and feelings. I often put on a brave front and pretend everything will be fine. Over the last year this front has started to crumble. Its been a very difficult year for me and that I am not afraid to share. But I will say this much. It has made me realize one thing about a parents love. A parents love is unlike any other. It is not a grand gesture but instead a million tiny ones given each and everyday punctuated by larger gestures at monumental times in the child's life. A parents love is hundreds of trips to a children's hospital just to be told things are fine, a parents love is waking up at 2am to clean puke off the floor because your child didn't quite make it to the bathroom, a parents love is making sure their socks match and that they change their underwear daily. All these things show our children daily that we love them even though they may think we are annoying them. I know I love my children I KNOW I do. so why have I been questioning whether or not I am doing it right?
Its not just the love for my children I have been questioning. Its love in general. I know I love my husband and for the most part we get along great. But we don't have some big epic love story that will make eyes water and hearts soar. So are we doing it wrong? And my friends. I love each of them, but do I try to hard to make them love me in return? I have been asking these questions to myself and to a couple of select others and I have come to this conclusion...There is no wrong or right way to love someone. As it was pointed out to me, I have a big heart and I mean well and I love the way I know how. They may not make a movie about me anytime soon, but I love with my whole heart and am passionate with everything I do. It hurts horribly when the love, affection and adoration are not returned and because of my feelings growing up, rejection sends me into a depression and thoughts such as these, but I try very hard everyday to be nice to everyone I meet and to let everyone in my life know that I love them and am always here for them. You never know when that kindness to someone could make their day or even save their life. you never know if they are battling something unseen that they need that feeling of being needed and wanted. These are feelings I struggle with often. I know why my parents didn't raise me and instead opted for my grandparents to raise me and their reasons are valid and justified, but it doesn't mean I still don't feel the hurt from it. That is something very personal that I haven't shared with many. Its time that I did. I am who I am because of the things that have happened in my life. I cant go back and change them but I can learn from them and try not to make the same mistakes for myself, my children and those around me. I try to remain a positive person, but I do tend to over analyze things and sometimes these things bring me down. I have been fighting a pretty deep depression over the last year. I have been very overwhelmed and I really just want to get back to being me. I know I use to be happy and I should be happy since the birth of my beautiful little girl. Her smile makes me happy, as do my boys laughs. But somethings just keep reminding me to much of things from my past that have hurt me and continue to hurt me at unexpected moments. I will be happy again one day, I have no doubt in that. And I know I will because I have surrounded myself with people that I love and that love me too. I know its part of life to be hurt and rejected and to have these feelings come back at weird times, but as long as we have these people in our lives, it will get better!
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