Change is inevitable

Admittedly its been a while since I blogged. I have been incredibly busy with things in my life. I always seem to have things pop into my mind when I am no where near a computer. That being said, be prepared for a few blogs back to back. I have had so much on my mind that I really want to get out there. This particular blog is going to be about the inevitable change that accrues when you grow older.

do you ever take a look at your life and think to yourself "how did I get here?"  I look at like life often as one of those "choose your own adventure" books that I loved so much as an adolescent. If I had made this decision instead of this one where would I be now. The difference between those books and real life is that you cant go back and rechoose and go a different path. Maybe that's why I loved those books so much. It gave me the option to have a new ending if I didn't like what happened to the lead character. oh wouldn't it be so much easier to go back to where you think you made a wrong choice and start again from there? But then, what would those effects have on the present day? Would it exist at all?

I am not saying for a minute that I am unhappy with my life so you can scratch those thoughts out right now. What I am saying is that every single one of us has that occasional "what if I had done this instead" thought. Your lying to yourself if you say you haven't. its part of human nature to wonder if you made the right choice occasionally. With me this has been at the forefront of my mind lately. I have made strides to go back to college to finish. It is the one regret I have with my life that I want to get rid of. I don't like having regrets and I try very hard not to, however through various circumstances I ended up dropping out of school and soon after had my wonderful son. I have regretted not finishing since he was around a year old. Its amazing how a child can put your life into perspective. After all, how was I going to tell this beautiful child of mine to finish what he starts when I myself had not finished what I had started. So for several years I would feel I was at a place where I could go back and not have factors hold me back, and every time I decided I was going to do it and made all the calls, something would happen (I got engaged and so planning a wedding at the time took top priority, I got pregnant...twice, family members needed my help with various things). 2 years ago I had enrolled and had a start date, a week before I was to start I found out I was pregnant for the 3rd time. I was devastated. More than devastated really. I was finally doing something for me and once again I got knocked back. How could this be happening to me again? Would I ever get to fulfill that nagging part of me? What did I do to deserve this? Was I being to selfish and that's why going to college was out of my reach again?  I had so many questions that no one could answer. All I wanted was to do one thing for myself. I was angry and sad and confused. Then we had some health scares and I kind of pushed away the selfish thoughts of "what about me?"

I spent the year after my daughter was born taking her back and forth to the children's hospital nearly 2 hours away. Her issue was mild and in comparison to some of the other children that were there I felt as though maybe we were wasting the Dr.s precious time when he could be treating someone more severe than my child's aspirations of food. I tried to tell myself that because I couldn't see my child's problem, then it wasn't really that big of a deal. It was and I know that it was and even though we have been cleared by all of her Dr's, I still wake in the middle of the night to make sure she hasn't aspirated in her sleep. But even during these trips to the hospital I would sometimes wonder, when will I get to do me again? When am I going to get to go to school or do something purely for myself again? Selfish thoughts at the time.

My daughter was cleared from her final Dr and I thought, "NOW! Now its time!" I have once again taken the steps to go back to school. I've declared my major, spoken to the wonderful lady that will be my advisor, filed for Government assistance and now set before me once again is a life altering change.

My husband and I have stayed in the tiny home we currently have because we are the last of the grandchildren to buy a home and we would like nothing more than to keep his grandfather's house in the family. So we have stayed where we are preparing for that inevitable time and transition into his home. My husbands grandfather is not in the best health and recently I had vocalized to my husband as well as his mother that I fear he is getting worse in a hurry. This seems to have prompted my husband to fix the things in his grandpa's house in a hurry so that his grandpa can approve them before he is no longer living in the home. It's amazing how the thought of losing a loved one can trigger thoughts about changes. I have made the decision that I am not withdrawing from school this time. I have enough friends and family that I feel confident that I will be able to transition into these changes and still be able to finally be a little selfish. but its made me realize that change is inevitable.

I still love my husband very much, but when I look back through the 11 years we have been together I realize we have changed. Mostly we have changed together, but over all we are not the 20somethings we were when we met. We have children now and that alone caused us to grow up. We have jobs that depend on us to be there, we have grown older and more mature and responsible. But that's not a bad thing. Sometimes its hard to realize that the changes aren't bad. Just because we don't stay out all night, or do the crazy things we use to doesn't mean we love each other any less. Its hard for me sometimes to deal with the fact that we have been together 11 years and the things we did to woo each other so many years ago just don't happen anymore. I often don't see the romance in anything anymore until the moment has passed. And like every time I have pushed school aside to deal with whatever life change has come my way, I sometimes dwell on the negative instead of seeing that by not doing school when I wanted to I got to enjoy my children during the very first year, I got to spend time with people that are no longer here, I got to marry the man I love, and so much more. I made my choices and really I wouldn't go back to see if I could find a different ending like in those books. I'm pretty happy with where the story is leading me right now. I am making conscience efforts to not see the negative effects of change. It's hard, so hard, especially when I don't want the change. But change is inevitable and if you don't go with it, you may miss out on the best parts of the story!