Its a funny thing, trust. Some people trust to easy, some not at all. I have been told my entire life that I will only have enough true friends to count on one hand. I disagree with this statement. I have been blessed with an abundance of life long friends. We may not have always agreed, we may not have always gotten along, we may not talk every single day like we did in our teens, but I have truly beyond doubt been blessed with some of the oldest and dearest friends anyone could ask for. I wont say it's been easy to be my friend at times either. There were a couple of brushes with the law (while not always my idea, often had our parents trying to keep us apart), several fights and disagreements that come from spending every waking moment together, and various other struggles that come from being someones friend for many years.
What does this have to do with trust? In the journey of finding yourself and learning your true friends you often get a bit of your life interrupted by impostors. You know the kind. The ones that use you to make someone mad, the ones that take, take, take then leave you high and dry when you need a friend, the ones that only want to be your "friend" to tear you down, the ones that don't know how to love them self so they become "cling-ons" to anyone that shows attention then as soon as someone else give more attention, they are gone. There are various more varieties of them, but you know these people. I truly don't believe most of them realize they are bad friends, they just don't know what they are doing. Regardless, these types of friendships have a way of tearing down that wall of trust just enough that when it goes bad, you build the wall even higher the next time. Every one has had a person like this in their life at one time or another. Sometimes we learn and watch for it in the future, sometimes we keep getting sucked back in for reasons unknown. I have had a few in my life. I tend to tell myself (as well as my other friends) that I feel like there is a reason I keep getting pulled back in. Like a feeling that I am not finished. Do you know that feeling?
I like to think that every person is put into your life for a reason. For some reason, I just cant grasp that maybe just maybe these users and abusers are put in my life to teach me to quit trusting so easily. That would just be to simple right? I will be the first to tell you, I HAVE learned not to trust like I use to. But I still open my heart to people. I believe everyone single person deserves to have a friend. Every single person alive deserves to feel that human connection. That said...Just because I let someone into a section of my life, does NOT mean I trust them. over the last couple of years I have learned that more then anything. No one friend knows every single thing about me and I like it that way. I have several people I confide in, several I have fun with, several that have known me since the 3rd grade. But no one, not even my husband knows the full and real me. I do not trust nearly as much as I appear and my walls are pretty high in all honesty. But be honest with yourself, does anyone ever really know another human being completely? That's why I say that trust is a funny thing. There are a few people I would honestly trust with my life, while at the same time those same people I cant trust enough to let them in on the parts of my life I keep hidden. How funny is it that I trust these individuals to save my life if needed and a couple to even trade their lives for mine if ever it came to it, but I wont let them in to the depths of my mind, emotions and memories. Trust is a funny thing!
I often wonder if I am the only person that has this part of themselves that they keep tucked away. I sometimes feel lonely because there are parts of myself that I just don't want to share. They are dark painful memories and I don't think anyone would understand. Plus, I don't want to open myself up further to hurt, rejection, and betrayal. I trust only myself to not do that and even I fail myself in that. Again, that damn trust is a funny thing.
Regardless of the fact that I know everyone has a part of them they don't show, its important to build trust and relationships with people. And like I said, I have truly been blessed to have some of the best friends. Many of them have been there while I was finding myself and stuck around after I did. Many more are newer friends and have helped make me feel good about the person I have become. Everyone has their demons or skeletons in the closet. I have both, however I use these negative forces to try to do good for others. To open my heart and trust that deep down all anyone needs is to be accepted and have a friend is the brightest way to cast out the darkness that lingers. To my friends that trust me with their life as I trust them with mine, thanks for being there! To the ones that have hurt me, thank you for giving me a stronger foundation to build my wall upon. In all reality, those are the things that make us stronger people. My wall may crumble a little once in awhile, but its from where the few have made the attempt to climb over to the other side. I'm a damn good Friend to have. I feel I have the right ot brag about that. I would do anything for anyone that has put in the effort to be my friend as much as I have theirs...And besides that, if it turns out I am not what you need in your life, well then at least I have helped build your foundation. So do that funny little thing called trust, and let people into your lives just a bit. Letting them in some doesn't mean they need to be in all of it! Everyone needs a friend! It helps make those dark times not so dark!
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